The LOST Diaries: The Diaries Strike Back!
by robo t
Summary: TRICIA TANAKA IS DEAD: And believe me, there are plenty of us that wish we ended up like that saucy Asian reporter. So saucy! Hurley finds Grampa SHIZZ and tries to take it for a ride.
1. A Tale of Two Cities

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Yes, yes, I'm back for yet ANOTHER year. The title this season is The LOST Diaries: The Diaries Strike Back! But now onto more important business- my rage. Yep, first episode and I'm already on a rampage. Forgive me, but this is the only spot I have to release my fury. I mean, we can't all tackle our fathers at AA meetings. Okay, first of all, I once again have that feeling that the LOST people (Abrams, Lindelof, anyone else) are reading this fanfic. I mean, DOWNTOWN? Did anyone remember DOWNTOWN? Yeah, I wrote it in the last season premiere! Those bastards! Not to mention this entire episode revolved around Kate, Sawyer, and Jack, the three characters I care the least about and the three, if some of you might remember, that Tibby had nothing to do with at all last season. And thirdly, I want to mention the stupid book club thing in the beginning of the episode. You know, when all those bitching Others shamelessly flaunted Stephen King's _Carrie_ around, which you KNOW King was ecstatic about. I could just imagine King, a fellow LOST junkie, saying, "Sure, you can use my book, but make sure my name can clearly be seen on all the copies! You hear that, Tabby? I'm gonna be on LOST! In your FACE, Dostoyevsky!" **  
**

the LOST diaries: pt. 1

DAY SIXTY-FIVE:  
8: 42 p.m. –LOST

I sat in my spot on the beach, leaning against the crooked QUARANTINE door and nodded off again. I dreamt of Kool-Aid Guy fighting Desmond in the jungle, except Desmond looked like the Hulk. They charged at each other sumo style, and a dark cloud began to glide over them. I opened my eyes and glanced at the dark cloud standing at my feet.

"Hello," I said to Bean. She had that look on her face. The one that normally ends with us nearly getting killed.

"Afternoon," she greeted, then got down to business, "Don't you want to see where Kate, Sawyer, and Jack are?"

"No, not really." I knew Michael, Hurley, and the Trio of Hellfire had been kidnapped by the Others. Michael had gotten off the island with Walt on a boat, Hurley had been let loose, and the Trio… Well, I could really care less what happened to them.

Bean wasn't giving up. "Don't you want to know stuff that no one else will?"

"Yeah," I said, standing up and clutching my back. That QUARANTINE door works anything but wonders. "But I want to know what happened to Locke, Eko, and Desmond. Not Skack."

She gave me a quizzical look. "Skack?"

"What? It's too much work to say all their names at once. YOU think of something better."

"Um… How about SKJ?"

"What, are they a boy band now?"

"Never mind," she sighed. "Your FRIENDS… I think I know where you can find them."

"And where's that?" I asked.

She pulled a large map out of the back pocket of her cargo pants. She held it out and I grabbed an end of it. Apparently, we should have been rescued by now. At least, if Bean's map was right, this island should be regarded as its own country. It's huge. Bean pointed to a tiny star she had drawn by one of the coasts. "Your friends are here," she said.

I stared at the map, which was a really a large picture of the island. "You took this?"

"Yep," she answered. "I've been catapulted enough times over this island to know where everything is."

Well… there was nothing going on at the beach. Literally, nothing. It seemed as if everyone had vanished, or didn't exist at all. And that the only people that did exist at this point and time would be the Others and the Triceptant of Hell's Love Triangles. Maybe Bean had a point. There was nothing to do here, and as much as I hated Sawyer's incessant insults and nicknames and Kate's sheer uselessness, I had to admit I would miss Ol' Crazy Eyes. "So, let's say that I might consider going to see what all the fuss is in Othersville. How do you suggest we would get there?"

Twenty minutes later, THESHIZZ lay smoldering in a clearing in the jungle. "Damn," Bean said. "Guess I shouldn't play Sudoku while I'm driving, huh?"

"So, what do we do now?" I asked.

"Eh, I'll have this fixed in a jiffy. Why don't you have a look around?" I turned to leave, but she grabbed my shoulder. Clawed at it, more like. "DON'T BE SEEN," she said, and a weird chill came over me, as if the fingers she had digging into my shoulder were releasing ice water into my blood or something. She let go and I walked off through the jungle and stopped when I walked into an even bigger clearing. What made me stop was seeing a small neighbourhood across the way. I mean, there were HOUSES over there. Really nice ones, too. Bean wasn't following me or anything, so I popped over to one of the houses and stood on a porch. Apparently, the Others lived in Beverly Hills, 4815162342. The houses suddenly began to shake, and I dove into a bush just as a bunch of adults wearing various pretty pastel colors came out of their homes. Among them were Henry, Ethan, and Goodwin. Everyone looked up at the sky, where Oceanic Flight 815 was falling through the air and breaking apart. Hm. I wonder if I could see me from there.

Henry immediately started to give off orders. To Goodwin, he said, "You run and you can make that shore line in an hour." He turned to Ethan. "Ethan, get up there to that fuselage. There may actually be survivors; and you're one of them. A passenger -- in shock -- come up with an adequate story if they ask. Stay quiet if they don't. Listen, learn, don't get involved. I want lists in 3 days. Go."

Ethan and Goodwin ran off, and I popped back over to Bean. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You look a bit shaken up," she chuckled at her pun. She didn't wait for an answer. "Yeah, I went a little farther back and we landed a bit off course. Hop in, I'll drop you off to where Skack is."

"Wait, drop me off? Where are you going?" I asked.

"You kidding? I've got to give this baby a paint job. And besides, those Others are nuts."

She started THESHIZZ, and we continued to chat. I had grown used to that sinking feeling in my stomach.

"But it was your idea to do this in the first place!" I yelped. We stopped abruptly. The door flew open and I fell out.

"Yeah, but they're your friends," Bean said coolly and THESHIZZ disappeared. I slowly stood up. I didn't like this. I normally didn't go into unfamiliar territory alone, but here goes. I blinked at my surroundings. Bean had somehow managed to drive inside of a dark and crusty hallway. I walked over to the first door I saw and poked my head through it. There was a table in one corner, and farther back there was a lone metal platform, where Jack was sprawled out and unconscious. I walked into the room as Jack slowly woke up. He slid off the metal platform and looked around. He immediately tried the door that was at the end of the platform, but to an obvious no avail. I realized he didn't see me. He was slowly going into Crazy Eyes mode, and he couldn't see me. I looked at the shiny metal table next to me and put my hand over it. There was no reflection at all. I leaned really close to the table, expecting to see a distorted reflection of my face, but nothing. As if my nose wasn't an inch away from the surface of the table. I looked back at Jack, who looked like he gained a bit of weight in the mere twenty four hours since I last saw him. He just looked bigger. Good Gandalf, what diet do these Others have them on? I KNEW that DHARMA crap was high in calories!

"Jack!" I whispered. Jack tried walking over to the sound of my voice, but walked straight into the glass wall that divided us. There was a loud THUD and I snorted.

"Who's there?" Jack yelled. I walked over to the glass wall and breathed on it. Jack stared at the mist and the message _KCAJ IH_ I had written. "Who's there?" Jack demanded again. "Where is everyone? …Dad?"

I left and walked around a bit. I was invisible. No one could see me. Sweet. This could work to my advantage. I walked outside and found what looked like a really crappy zoo. This zooniverse only had two cages, and inside one was a sulky teen all in Depeche Mode that kinda looked like a monkey, and in the other was a large colorful apparatus, where on the ground lay an unconscious Sawyer. Who also appeared to have gained a bit of weight, since his gut seemed to poke out from under his shirt. Gandalf, what did the Others do to these guys? And why where Sawyer and the sulky kid not wearing matching outfits and waiting for someone to come with a bucket of fish? Sawyer woke up and looked around. He spotted the kid in the cage across from him and immediately began to badger him with questions and insults.

"Hey. Where are we? Who the hell are you? Oh, you ain't gonna talk to me? What -- you got more important things to do?"

The kid didn't respond and Sawyer dropped the subject, suddenly becoming interested with the odd contraption behind him. There was a big red button with a little knife and fork picture on it that came out of a metal box. Sawyer looked around mischievously. I don't know why, what did he expect was going to happen? Well, the picture was of eating utensils, so obviously man-eating locusts were going to shoot out of the little hole at the bottom and somehow let him escape from the cage. There were levers and all sorts of things sticking out of this box, but Sawyer seemed to only be interested in the button. He pushed it once, and static came out of the speaker, along with a raspy voice saying, "Warning." Sawyer pushed it again. The voice came on again. He reached for the button for a third time when the sulky kid said, "I wouldn't do that."

Sawyer sneered at the kid and said, "If I want your advice, I'll ask for it." He kinda was before, but whatever. Low and behold, Sawyer did press the button and the charge of electricity sent him flying backward and he crashed into the bars of the cage.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled.

"Told you," the kid said. Sawyer appears to be a spectacle in the DHARMA zooniverse. Right where he belongs. I wondered where Kate was. Actually, I could care less where Kate was, but I figured I had to see what she was up to since I had already seen Crazy Eyes and Mr. Jackass.

I walked past a room inside a hallway and heard a familiar voice call, "Hey! Where are my clothes?" I walked into the large locker room and found Kate adjusting a pretty yellow dress and looking around with that funny shaken scared look of hers. Her whole body just trembles, even her eyeballs, and she nearly jumped when Mr. Friendly popped up.

He whistled and looked her up and down and said, "Come on, Kate. He's waiting."

…Was Kate going on a date? Ooh, maybe "he" was Jabba the Hutt, and he would keep her prisoner and she'd have to dance. I had to see this. Mr. Friendly and a few other Others escorted Kate to the beach, where a nice little table covered with all sorts of afternoon delights was waiting under a grass roof. It reminded me of when someone wins in Survivor and the prize might be a nice breakfast, and the food and the hut seem absolutely out of place. But, hey, this wasn't Survivor. And Kate wasn't going to dance for Jabba either. It was just a nice little brunch. Sitting in a chair was Henry, who cleans up very nicely after having the shit beaten out of him and being kept prisoner in a hatch. Oh, well. I don't think I'm going to have to spell it out for the Triceptant of the Others' Bitches, but maybe someone will have to. This right here? This is payback. Sure, the Others started it, but they don't play very fair.

But Henry acted the gentleman as he pulled out a chair for Kate as she glared at a pair of handcuffs on the table. Henry followed her gaze and calmly said, "Sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to put those on, Kate."

Kate tried acting all defiant and replied, "And if I don't?"

Henry poured himself a cup of Joe and said, "Then you don't get any coffee."

He found Kate's weakness. She put the cuffs on, and when he instructed her to make them tighter he took a sip from his coffee and she tightened them with a frustrated look on her face. Then she asked about Sawyer and Jack and Henry made fun of the order she said their names, and I gazed at the biscuits on the platter hungrily. I was standing right beside them the whole time, and luckily the shade of the roof kept the sun away so there wouldn't be a big shadow next to where I was standing. I stared at the waves behind us and they didn't look natural to me at all. Like the Others have a giant blue screen on their "beach". You know, what with all their technology and stuff, I wouldn't be very surprised. It's a real dumb investment though.

"Why did you bring me here? Why did you make me put on this dress? Why are you feeding me breakfast?" Kate snapped. Good Gandalf, she asks the DUMBEST questions!

Henry leaned close and said, "I brought you here so you'd look out at the water and feel comforted -- comforted that your friends were looking out at the same ocean. I gave you the dress so that you'd feel like a lady. And I wanted you to eat your food with a real live fork and feel civilized. I did all those things so that you'd have something nice to hold on to. Because, Kate, the next two weeks are going to be very unpleasant."

"Yeah, bee-yotch," I said, reaching for a biscuit. "Payback." I got the hell out of there and ran towards the water and ran through the blue screen. Or at least I would've ran through the blue screen if there was one there. I just kept running and realized that the Others were chasing the floating biscuit hovering toward the waves.

"Don't let it escape!" Mr. Friendly barked. "I just baked those this morning!"

I quickly popped out of there and back to the zooniverse, where an alarm was blaring: "SUBJECT ESCAPE, SUBJECT ESCAPE".

"Oh My Gandalf, they're on high alert for a biscuit!" I screeched as the sulky kid ran past me. I darted back to the only place where I knew no one would look- Sawyer's cage. He had managed to escape with the sulky kid, but not for very long. Mr. Friendly, whose name I think is Tom, but I'll continue calling him Mr. Friendly because it's ironic, dragged Sawyer back into the cage as I stashed my biscuit. Once Sawyer was in, Mr. Friendly brought out the bloody teen and shoved him against the bars.

"Say it, Karl," he growled.

"I'm sorry. Sorry, I involved you in my break out attempt," Karl whined. They left, and Sawyer stared after them.

"Nice to not see ya, Houdini," Sawyer smirked.

I shuffled at the end of the cage. "How'd you know it was me?" I whispered.

"You reek of smoke and Bourbon, kid," he answered. "Now give me that biscuit."

"You kidding?" I replied. "I went through Hell and back for this, no way I'm giving this up. Try to work that contraption of yours, there's bound to be something edible inside." He stared at the floating biscuit as it slowly disappeared and glared back at the machine.

"I don't even know how to work this damn thing," Sawyer snarled. I stood next to him. Yes, the many levers did make it seem overwhelming, but there had to be a way to make it work.

"Oh, I see," I said. "Put something on that lever there, press the button, then throw something at that one," I pointed to another lever. "The food or whatever's in there should come out of that hole."

Sawyer studied the contraption and asked, "How do you know that?"

"Oh, this is nothing. Ever play Resident Evil?"

He followed my instructions and a little circus tune played out of the speakers. His reward was a large orange treat shaped like a fish with DHARMA printed on it (of course). Kibble came out of the shoot and water started to come out of a pipe. Sawyer ate and drank hungrily. Ah, what a sad existence life in the DHARMA zooniverse must be. I watched him in disgust and sympathy and jumped when I heard Mr. Friendly's voice come from the bushes.

"Keep moving," he ordered as he and Kate walked over to Karl's cage. She walked in and he shut the door behind her. "Stick your arms out through the bars; I'll take off your cuffs. They scratched you up pretty bad, didn't they? I'll bring you some anti-septic later," he said.

"How about you bring me an ottoman?" Sawyer said, taking a bite out of his fish treat. "While you're at it I could use a blow dry." Yes, he certainly could. Not as much as Kate, though.

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit," Mr. Friendly chuckled. "How'd you do that?"

"I figured out your complicated gizmos, that's how." Yeah, with my help. Bastard.

As Mr. Friendly left, he said, "Only took the bears two hours."

After he left, Sawyer looked over Kate. She was shaking again. "You okay, Freckles?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied with a tough guy voice that fooled no one. "You?"

"Just swell. I requested that cage, but whatever," he replied. He was trying to cheer her up, and it was kind of cute. Now there were two directions this conversation could've gone in. A) an incredibly awkward silence or B) an extremely corny conversation, one that got sappy pretty quick. Either way, I was leaving. "Nice dress."

"They made me wear it." Kate replied indignantly. Honestly, the whole day she was worried about that stupid dress. She spat at the mere idea of it, as if saying, "Do you honestly think I would wear THIS?"

Sawyer disregarded Kate's resentful attitude toward the dress. "You hungry?" he asked, holding out the fish treat. She nodded and caught the treat, hungrily taking a bite. Guess the stupid bitch never bothered with the free breakfast. It was FREE, for Helm's sake, Kate. I left, this was just too depressing. There. I had been to the Others' place and I never wanted to go back. But something told me I'd be coming here a lot for the next two weeks. Damn it all.

-Tibby T

(A/N: Ugh. I know this one sucked, but I didn't have a lot to work with and I've been busy being stupid and writing other things and haven't exactly gotten back into the LOST mode. I mean, Desmond, Charlie, and Hurley are my main inspiration. Without them I feel so… LOST. I realized today that Desmond and I have the same hair. I need my hair twin back. Bring me back my hair twin!)


	2. The Glass Ballerina

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Eh. This ep wasn't as bad as last week, since it wasn't all ass-shots of Kate's… arse. We got to see some people that WEREN'T Desmond, Hurley, or Charlie. Sun shot someone, that was cool. But still, these episode titles are ticking me off. Honestly, "The Glass Ballerina"? There was only a glass ballerina in the first five seconds of the episode! I mean, I'm sure there was some symbolism represented throughout, but like anyone noticed that! This is worse than last season's "?" episode. And we're not even getting into last week's "A Tale of Two Cities", which had nothing to do with anything. Ah, well. It was nice to see Jack's reaction to Boston winning the World Series. I've been waiting for that for a long time.

the LOST diaries: pt. 2

DAY SIXTY- EIGHT:  
12: 04 p.m. –LOST

I popped back to the beach and looked around. I was a bit dismayed to find out it was just the same as I had left it. The camp was deserted and lacked all… life. I sighed and headed back to Othersville. I began walking back, because I wanted to waste as much time as I could before I got there. But I heard leaves rustling and an engine running and turned around to see Bean driving THESHIZZ into the clearing.

"Wazzup?" she called as she jumped out, sliding a hand over the hood, which was now a vibrant purple. "Like the color?"

"Bitchin'," I replied, starting to walk off.

"So where you off to?" she asked, following me.

"Back to the Others' place, I guess," I answered.

"Why are you going back there? Why don't you join Sayid and Jin on the boat?"

"To do what? They're on a boat. The last thing interesting I heard from them was that they saw a giant stone foot."

"That's interesting enough, isn't it?"

"Not if you've judged at the Giant Stone Foot Festival in Glasgow three years in a row. Besides, Sun is pregnant. I don't want to be on a boat with a pregnant woman!"

"You don't have to be on the boat. You could wait at the dock," she said, pulling a little silver remote out of her pocket. "And I'm going to give you this."

"What's-" I began when Bean pushed a blue button and I felt like I had just received an electrical shock and then doused with ice water. "Gah! What is that?" Out of her pants came yet another item, a pocket mirror. She handed it to me and I saw my shocked expression, complete with the frizzled hair on my head. "So that WAS you that made me invisible before."

"Well, who else? But I forgot to give you this. If you press that blue button, you'll go from visible to invisible."

"Is it going to hurt every time I do it?"

"Yes. Very much. And it's still a bit glitchy."

"Glitchy? How?"

"It's just that sometimes the button won't work, and then it'll blink in a rapid succession…"

"Rapid succession? What does that mean?" She pushed the button several times and I got that sensation again. I looked at her. "I don't-" I dropped the mirror and I started to twitch as I got the feeling that I was being struck by lightning repeatedly in a blizzard. At my feet, the mirror showed me disappearing and popping back up again, each time with a new look of pain on my face.

"Well, that's that," Bean smiled and tossed me the remote. I was invisible at this point, so it hit me in the face. "I'm going to see if I can get any scraps from that hatch explosion of yours. See you around." She got back in THESHIZZ and drove off. I watched her go, looked down at the remote in my hand, and collapsed.

8: 08 p.m. –LOST

I popped over to see if I could steal one of Sawyer's fish treats and keep it as a pet. Or snack. Or part-time pet, part-time snack. I planned on naming it DHARMA. Or GREG. But when I got to the zooniverse, they were gone. I spotted a few Others walking down a path and decided to follow them. They stopped in a large area where a bunch of people seemed to be doing meaningless tasks to the dirt ground. Like dragging a pick-axe through the dirt or hitting the ground repeatedly with a shovel. Wow. I guess these Others have got survival going so well for them that this is how they spend their free time. Or maybe not. Kate and Sawyer were being instructed by some guy. Wait… I knew this guy. Pisset! This was the one I had possessed when I went to Browntown!

"Alright, here's the jig -- see these rocks, here? That's where you two come in," Pickett began. Pointing to Kate, he said, "You're going to chop them loose." To Sawyer, "And you're going to haul them out of here."

Kate put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "You expect me to work in this dress?" Aw, AGAIN WITH THE DRESS!

"Well, it's up to you? You can take it off if you want," Prickett smirked.

Sawyer took this moment to goggle at Kate with a weird dreamy look on his face. It was dreamy, all right, but definitely not an innocent one. Kate gave him a dirty look and he snapped out of it, turning to Prickett and saying in a completely fake accusatory tone, "How dare you?" Yeah, Sawyer's not funny anymore. Just really annoying. And stupid. Prickett explained the rest of the rules, and when Kate started to bitch again, shocked Sawyer. No, I don't mean he verified that Sawyer and Kate were really brother and sister, I mean he took out a stun gun and fried Sawyer's ass. …Yeah, there's a lot more where that's coming from, I can tell. And as much as I would've looked forward to Sawyer getting zapped a couple hundred times, I was pretty sure Sayid, Jin, and Sun were at the dock by now. I popped over and sat in the jungle. Sayid was getting off the boat and prancing down the dock, you know, the way soldiers prance when they're holding particularly large guns. What, it's not prancing? It looks like prancing to me. He made sure the coast was clear (I'm fairly sure that was a pun, and in that case, it wasn't intended), and signaled Jin to get off the boat and start bringing the supplies. As Sayid started to pile wood for a fire, I realized I had dropped my invisi-mote. I was standing behind a bush and tried to carefully look for it when I accidentally stepped on it. And, just as I had seen Sawyer do not too long before, I hit the ground twitching. Sayid came through the bushes with his gun drawn. Crap.

"Tibby?" he asked, lowering his gun. "What are you doing here?"

"Um…" Think quick, Tib. "Sleeping?" I answered.

"Did you go with Michael and the others?" he asked, confused.

"Yes!" I said, getting up. "Yes, that's exactly what I did."

He stared at me for a second. "…Well? …Where are they?"

"They were… captured?"

"All of them?"

"Only Jack, Kate, and Sawyer. Michael left on a boat with Walt, and Hurley and I were let loose."

"Hm… Yes, I can see why they left you. Where are they now?"

"No idea," I answered. Sayid looked through the trees and saw Jin and Sun walking down the dock.

"I think you should hide," he said, picking up a few sticks and walking away. He didn't wait for my consent, he just assumed I would stay there. Well, there really was nowhere else to go… Bastard. Thank Gandalf for Sun, though. Maybe the whole being pregnant thing has made her especially aware of her surroundings and actions, since she cornered Sayid as he continued to stack wood.

"We're building quite a large fire," she observed.

"We need to make sure Jack will see the smoke," Sayid replied, avoiding eye contact.

"Why are you lying to me, Sayid?"

"And what would you know about lying, Sun?" I was a bit confused by this. …What? What does that statement have to do with anything? Maybe Sayid is trying to distract Sun from his lies, which he indeed confirmed when he asked what she knew about lying, but it seems a bit more like he was programmed to say this. Like this is supposed to have some guilty effect on Sun.

But she wasn't buying it. "You're putting our lives in danger," she answered and began to leave. Like, nice way to introduce the fact that your lives are in danger and WALK AWAY, Sun! Gandalf, you think you know a person.

Sayid decided to use the information his little mole had supplied to him as his own. You know, I would've corrected that sentence, but it just gave me something to giggle uncontrollably at. Wait… I am NOT Sayid's mole! Or his bitch! "I'm fairly certain our friends have been captured. There are tracks all over the dock. They're fresh -- as recent as yesterday."

"You said this dock was abandoned."

"That would be part of the lying you mentioned." Ooh, Sayid thinks he's so cool with his somewhat sarcastic joke.

Reality dawned on Sun as she said, "You're not building this fire for our people; you're building it for the Others."

Sayid nodded. "I suspect that when they see the smoke they'll send a scout party to investigate. By then it will be night. When they arrive, I'll ambush them. I'll take two of them hostage, and I'll kill the rest." Wow, Sayid's VERY confident, isn't he? I wonder how he'd do against an army of Orcs. Sun was in with his plan, and he asked her to keep lying to Jin for another twenty minutes. Because after twenty minutes? The shyte hits the fan. They continued to build the fire, and I managed to pull Sayid back into the jungle.

"You DO realize that this plan of yours doesn't make any sense, right?" I asked him.

"Tibby, everything has been well though out and strategically arranged. When the Others come, I will hide in that tree with my gun and snipe a few of them once they get close. Jin will hide behind them and make sure none of them run off. Then we'll light the ring of lighter fluid I have surrounded the camp in, and Jin and myself will continue shooting the Others until there is only two left."

I stared at him for a second, then nodded and put my hand on his shoulder. "You know… Shannon was just a piece of ass."

"I know," he breathed. "But she was MY piece of ass."

"Well… Who's going to watch the boat?" I asked.

"You might want to consider it. Although I doubt the Others will want a boat."

"…Right…"

He left and was instantly cornered by Jin, who started to yell at him about, you know, killing us all. He agreed to help Sayid as long as Sun stayed on the boat. Great, I've got a bunk buddy. Since she'd probably panic and shoot me if I was invisible, I decided to stick to being in plain sight and quickly thought of a way to make my appearance known. I was in the storage closet. I was racking my brain for ideas when I heard something behind me. I swear, it was a bat. Or a flannel shirt. But it was coming right for me! I screamed and leaped out of the closet and frantically started to roll on the ground as Sun stared at me, holding a frying pan.

"Tibby?"

I looked up at her and smiled. "Hello, Sun." I stood up and grinned. "Um… yeah."

"What were you doing in there?" she asked.

I glanced back at the closet door. "Um… sleeping?" She continued to stare. "Well, the thing is," I explained. "I went in here to get more booze for Desmond, because you know, he was depressed and you took his boat, and I went in that closet and… fell asleep. And low and behold, you're here when I wake up, innit amazing?'

"…You were sleeping in there for two days?" she asked disbelievingly.

There was a pause. "…I was tired."

We left it at that. For the next few hours, I drank from a few bottles Desmond had left and Sun would go to the bathroom, make tea, go to the bathroom, make tea, go to the bathroom… After she got out of the bathroom for the eighth time, it was dark and she had refused to put the light on. She was bustling around the stove when we heard it. A loud thud on deck. Some "stealthy" Others.

"Goddamn it," I hissed. "I _told_ him!"

Sun grabbed a handgun from under a tarp and I went back in the closet. Sun hid and I peered through a crack in the door. Some chick who I instantly disliked entered the galley. Sun came out of hiding with her gun raised. "I want you to let me off this boat," she said. I admire her courage.

The woman sneered. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"It's not my decision to make." We heard loud shuffling above us. "Do you realize there are five of my friends up there?" she asked.

"Lower your voice," Sun calmly ordered. The woman nodded and started to move toward Sun. "Stop; or I'll shoot."

The woman smirked. "No you won't, Sun. I know you, Sun-Hwa Kwon. And I know you're not a killer. But despite what you may think, I'm not the enemy. We are not the enemy. But if you shoot me, that's exactly what we'll become." Yeah, I really didn't like her. I couldn't wait till Sun put a cap in this bitch's ass. Maybe normal Sun wasn't a killer, and maybe Sun-Hwa Kwon of Seoul, South Korea wasn't unpredictable and reckless. But we all had a bit of carelessness now that we've crashed. And besides, Sun is pregnant. Girl is CRAAAAAZY! The woman again walked toward Sun, and Sun warned her again.

This is when I opened the closet door and hissed, "C'mon, Sun! Shoot this bitch!" The boat engine started to roar, surprising Sun and making her pull the trigger, firing a bullet right into Bitchy Chick in the gut, Shannon-style. "Oh, she's dead," I said as she collapsed and Sun ran into the closet as Bitchy Chick's posse started firing at her. Sun stupidly opened the hatch above us without checking if anyone was out there, and got clipped by a bullet as I popped off that boat as quickly as I could. It was chaotic. The boat drove off and Jin was swimming and yelling. At first I had the feeling that he was yelling Sun's name, but a quick look at the magical subtitles proved different.

"MARCO!" Jin yelled.

"POLO!" Sun called back. They met back up and they hugged in the water and it was sweet and cute but I was freezing.

DAY-SIXTY-NINE:  
8: 15 p.m. –LOST

After yelling at Sayid I headed over to Jack's cell, where Henry, or "Ben", as he's called now, or Benry, as I'll insist on calling him, was having a nice chit chat with Jack. They went on and on with some redundant conversation that didn't make any sense, and then Benry dropped a bombshell.

"Your flight crashed on September 22nd, 2004. Today is November 29th," he began. I was invisible, leaning against the wall not far from Jack. "That means you've been on our island for 69 days. Yes, we do have contact with the outside world, Jack. That's how we know that during those 69 days your fellow Americans re-elected George W. Bush."

I glanced at Jack and tried to imagine his thoughts. _Pfft. Florida again? What happened to that yelling guy? WOO! _

"Christopher Reeve has passed away," he continued. _Tragic, yes, but everyone dies eventually, right?_

"The Boston Red Sox won the World Series." _NO FUCKING WAY!_

Jack chuckled. "If you wanted me to believe this, you probably should have picked somebody else besides the Red Sox." …The Cubs?

"No, they were down three games to none against the Yankees in the league championship, and then they won eight straight," Benry explained, sounding a bit confused as to why Jack was so dumbfounded. You ruined his saying!

Jack just kept shaking his head. "Sure. Sure, of course they did." _The next thing you're going to tell me is that Johnny Damon's playing with the Yanks. _

There was a cart behind Benry with an old TV on it, one with dials, antennas, the works. He turned it on, and there was a baseball field, and the Sox were… winning, I guess. I don't know a lot about baseball, but it seemed to have quite the effect on Jack. He nearly threw himself into the glass wall in his astonishment. I swear, I saw tears in his eyes.

_"Red Sox fans have longed to hear it!" _the announcer on the TV yelled. _"The Boston Red Sox are world champions!" _The rag tag Red Sox were jumping around on the diamond when Benry shut off the television.

"That's home, Jack. Right there, on the other side of that glass," Benry said. "And if you listen to me -- if you trust me -- if you do what I tell you when the time comes -- I'll take you there. I will take you home." Eh, I think I'll pass. A road trip with Crazy Eyes and Creepy Guy is the last thing I could take.

-Tibby T

(A/N: I think I'm slowly getting my groove back. You know, the LOST writers are cheating. They're using cleavage, ass and chest-shots, nudity, sex, and big make out scenes in hopes that it'll get the viewers attention. Rather, they're throwing these things into the script at random intervals so that they make absolutely no sense. Well, here here, LOST writers, you're not fooling me! …Even though I have been curious as to what Desmond looks like naked all week. Which is incredibly awkward, because I've been watching that _Gospel of John_ movie where he plays Jesus, and because he's a dead ringer for Mr. Christ, I now feel like I want to see what Jesus looks like naked. …DAMN YOU, LOST WRITERS!)


	3. Further Instructions

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Eh. I think there was a bit too much hype for this ep, namely seeing all of our favorite characters and getting rid of the characters that no one gave a damn about. I did like it when Boone brought Locke into that airport world thing. Reminded me of _The Langoliers_. Once again, King must be _ecstatic_. Not to mention that Desmond was the pilot surrounded by a gaggle of flight attendants. I wonder what that's supposed to mean. Maybe a group of flight attendants found Desmond after the implosion, ripped his clothes off and had a massive orgy that he couldn't remember because he was drugged. Maybe the flight attendants gave him powers to see into the future. Maybe I'm thinking to much into this. And by the by, let us please give Mr. Henry Ian Cusick (Editor and I have decided he's the LOST equivalent of Billy Boyd- Scottish, eerily less than ten years younger than my own father) for literally having the bollocks to ditch the Desmond duds and sharing a naked scene with a big fat guy on international television. I'd put a dollar in his g-string any day for that. …Sorry, there I go being creepy again.

the LOST diaries: pt. 3

DAY SIXTY- NINE:  
3: 16 p.m. –LOST

I nearly collapsed in relief when I got back to the beach and saw Claire, Charlie, and everyone else bustling about by their tents. But, of course, I thought too soon.

"When did John get back? And what's he doing? Where's he been? Where's everyone else? Don't you think you should go find out?" Claire's voice rang beside me. Locke had just stumbled out of the jungle and was now hacking at some tarp with his knife.

I had turned to tell Claire to shut up, she was ruining my moment, and to find out all these things for herself when I spotted a baffled Charlie standing next to her. "Good Gandalf," I said. "Charlie… What's with your HAIR?" He was sporting the beginning of a mullet, except the party in the back was really partying, as it was flared up and looked like it wanted to leap from his head.

"Yes, Charlie," Claire began, "I wish you'd let me cut it, it looks awful, you look ridiculous, and you're not fooling anyone with-"

"John!" Charlie called, running over to Locke and following him, leaving me alone with Claire, which, _oh no he didn't_, so I quickly ran after him. We found Locke by the sad church structure. It's just the frame. And I bet it'll be just the frame for a long time.

"So you're gone for a whole day after a massive hatch detonation -- you don't call, you don't write?" Charlie said in a sadistically surly tone. "Sorry, am I interrupting something?" Locke was acting funny. He was moving his mouth as if he wanted to speak, but he couldn't. "What, you can't speak John? You're mute?" Locke nodded. The way his eyes were bugging out were kind of creeping me out. "I am sorry about that. So where are Eko and Desmond? Are they off being mute and building structures, as well?"

You know, I don't know who's more of a whiny bitch. Kate or Charlie. Locke was acting as if he couldn't breathe. He began to play charades. "You need to speak?" Charlie asked. "To me? What do you want to--?" Locke grabbed a handful of sand. "Sand? You need to speak to the sand?" Locke pointed at the jungle. "Trees? Yeah, I've heard they're wonderful conversationalists."

"Good Gandalf, Charlie, shut up!" I spat. "Isn't it obvious? He needs to talk to the _island_."

Charlie grumpily crossed his arms and whined, "Oh, right, the _island_. You know, I would've gotten it if you didn't so rudely interrupt."

"Get a hair cut."

Back at the beach, I supplied Locke with a marker and a pad of paper. He had scribbled- I NEED UR HELP and showed it to Charlie.

"I need your help? Since when do you need my help?" he sneered.

I NEED U 2 STAND GUARD.

"I need you to stand guard? Oh yeah, so you can talk to the island. Dangerous. Well, amusing as the mute game invariably is, you are aware, John, that I detest you, aren't you? You do remember repeatedly punching me in the face and accusing me of using heroin when I was not."

I grabbed the pad from Locke and scribbled- I NEED U 2 STOP BEING AN ASS. Charlie frowned and was about to speak when Locke scribbled- AT THE SWEAT LODGE and shoved it in his face.

"What the sodding hell is a sweat lodge?" Charlie asked. Locke, of course, didn't answer and began to build a little hut. I gathered that a sweat lodge is a lodge that makes you sweat. And since Charlie and I were fine with not sweating and not being in a small hut with a sweaty Locke, we sat and watched him.

"I bet Eko's blind," I said to Charlie.

"What?" he asked as he scribbled in the sand with a twig.

"I bet Eko's blind. You know, since the hatch thing. You were deaf, Locke's mute, I bet Eko won't be able to see."

"And how'd you get to that conclusion?"

"Speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil."

"…That's stupid."

"…You're stupid."

"What about Desmond, then?"

"Desmond doesn't count. He has no evil."

"Pfft. So what's that mean?"

"I dunno. He'll be naked?" Charlie smirked and gave me a look. "What? I mean, I don't hope he's naked. I don't want to see him naked. I haven't been thinking about him being naked. …That would suck if he's naked."

"Would it?" he had a broad grin on his face, making him look like the crazy Englishman he is.

"…Hey, look what Locke's doing."

Locke was stirring some of that _Jacob's Ladder_ stuff, the same stuff he'd given Boone to make him think he was making out with his sister. Oh, I can't wait to see Locke completely bollixed on this. Charlie seemed to recognize it's purpose as well, and got all up in Locke's face about it.

"What's that? You're not taking drugs are you, John? I only ask because of the strict zero tolerance policy you've enacted, and I wouldn't want you to have to start punching yourself in the face," he said. Locke flashed him the STOP BEING AN ASS note. "Yeah, I know, I get it. You're going to go in your little magic hut and I'm going to stand out here in case you devolve into a monkey." …NICE.

We sat outside and Charlie continued to tease me about Desmond, and I teased him about his hair. Over his shoulder, I spotted a still very cute and still very dead Boone crawl into the hut. Seeing him, I tried to remember why I was never really drawn to him. I mean, I say he's cute, but more in a cuddly kitten kind of way. Maybe it's because his IQ isn't that far from a kitten in the first place. Aw, wittle Boone! Shortly after Locke leaped from the tent and had a absolutely terrified look on his face. Yeah, it was one of _those_ trips. He slowly regained his cool and pulled out his hunting knife.

"I'm going to save Mr. Eko's life," he said.

So we were off, trekking through the jungle. I wondered for a second whether Charlie was taking hold of the dumb sidekick role that Boone had left for hire. He might without knowing, but I'll have to admit I don't think he could quite fill Boone's shoes. Boone cleaned up better and he didn't ask a lot of questions. Matter of fact, Boone didn't ask a lot of things. Aw, wittle Boone! We found a cross in one of the bushes.

"Eko's cross," Charlie dully observed.

"He was dragged this way," Locke noted.

"Dragged? By what?"

"By a polar bear."

"There was a slight pause, followed by my loud and confused, "WHAT?"

"Sawyer killed the polar bear," Charlie said, apparently not taking in the fact that POLAR BEARS on a TROPICAL ISLAND DRAGGED a grown man through the jungle. Good Gandalf, what a trip indeed!

"He killed _a_ polar bear," Locke answered. Oh, for Helm's sake, this is ridiculous. What on Middle Earth are we DOING? Drunkenly stumbling around in the jungle, sounds like, and I could do enough of that on the beach, thank you very much. Locke told Charlie to go back when we came across a pool of blood, but Charlie, suddenly not being a coward and suddenly wanting to be in Locke's company, just said he'd take his chances. We continued to walk and came across the remains of the hatch, which was just a large smoking crater in the ground.

"Is that the hatch?" Charlie asked, a little shaken up.

"What's left of it," Locke answered.

"What happened?"

"Looks like it imploded."

"Looks like you should be dead," I said to Locke. He gave a slight nod and shrug. "Locke, listen. Maybe Eko… reasonably died in this 'implosion'. Or maybe he's staggering around dying somewhere, and there's no polar bear involved in this at all."

"Or maybe he's blind," Charlie smirked. Locke merely shrugged off my suggestion and we continued walking. We came across a dead boar with huge slash marks on it's side. "What's that?" Charlie asked.

"You should know, Charlie, you've been chased by them enough," I said.

"It's an active kill," Locke said, peering over the body. "Meaning that whatever was eating this is going to be back for more."

Charlie gulped. "If you want to say polar bear you can just say it."

There was a cotton ball stuck to a nearby branch that Locke picked up. I snorted at the sight of it. You have to be kidding, right? "Alright, polar bear," Locke answered. There was a loud growling sound that echoed through the jungle, and none of us disregarded Locke's suggestion to run. Well, I guess I was the only one that really took his advice. I was hauling arse, but Locke seemed to be jogging behind me and Charlie was positively prancing behind him. What was wrong with them? Certainly a POLAR BEAR could drag them off too. I stopped and they did as well, and we heard rustling in the bushes around us. Locke threw his knife at the source of the rustling, and Hurley came out of the bushes with a knife in his canteen, which he had used to shield his face.

"Dude," he gulped. He joined us as we walked and explained everything that had happened to Michael, Sawyer, Kate, and Jack. Locke told him he should go back and tell everyone at the beach. "Wait, where are you guys going?" he asked.

"The island told Locke he has to save Eko," Charlie sighed and rolled his eyes. Of course, Charlie's all for following Locke all day to save Eko from POLAR BEARS, but in front of Hurley he had to play the "I'm not Locke's bitch" card.

"Save him from what?" Hurley asked.

"Well, apparently, a bear's got him. It's just made an active kill. You may want to hustle."

This made Hurley get more of a "I Just Pissed My Pants" look than nearly being decapitated by Locke. "Bear? What bear?"

We ignored him and continued to walk. We found another cotton ball, and Charlie said the dumbest thing I've ever heard him say during my whole sixty-nine days on this island.

"You know, when I used to get high, I'd watch nature programs on the Beeb. Polar bears are meant to be quite clever. Very clever. They're like the Einsteins of the bear community."

Locke didn't bother to respond, and I just stared at him for a second. I opened my mouth but thought better of it, and left. I tried to find Hurley. A little bit ahead of me, I heard him call, "Bear? Is that you? Who's there?"

I heard a low whisper that made my heart leap. "You alone, brother?" the all too familiar Scottish accent growled.

"Uh, yeah," Hurley answered. I walked up next to Hurley just in time to see a naked caveman come out from the bushes. Wait. That's not a naked caveman. That's-

"Desmond?" I asked. …Wow. I had been joking about thinking about Desmond before, so this was a… pleasant surprise.

Hurley was far from pleased. He immediately started to freak out and waved his arms around. "Whoa! Dude! I'm not alone," he said.

That was true, and I could tell Desmond didn't like me being there. He's fine with being naked with a bunch of other guys, I guess, since I can vaguely remember something about him doing some jail time, but he's really quite uncomfortable with flashing a girl, especially if it's one that he still believes is only twelve, despite the numerous times I've told him I'm nearing twenty two. He tried to back up behind the bush, stumbled, and fell right on his bare arse, giving Hurley and I… quite the eyeful. Hurley looked horrified.

"Oh, Des, don't even bother acting the gentleman," I said, offering a hand to help him up. He took it, and I realized that just seconds before he had been using his hands to cover himself… Hurley looked disgusted as I wiped my hand on my pants when Desmond wasn't looking.

"Beach camp's right over there. Can you get me some clothes?" Desmond asked Hurley.

"What happened to yours?" Hurley whined.

"I woke up in the jungle like this," Desmond slowly said after thinking for a second.

"So, like, the hatch blew off your underwear?" Hurley asked in disbelief. Yes, that's EXACTLY what happened. Makes the most sense I've heard all day.

Desmond had had enough. "Fine, you want to discuss this in great detail right now?" he asked, coming closer to Hurley, his arms coming up in a threatening matter. "Let's do it."

I grabbed Desmond's arm and said, "Wait, Desmond. You're… magnificent," Desmond gave me a funny look. "…Let us paint you. Hurley, get the canvas."

Hurley pulled a piss yellow tie-dye shirt out of his bag. "How do you feel about tie-die?" Desmond snatched the shirt and, for no reason at all, brought the shirt all the way down to his crotch to inspect it, and my eyes followed the shirt as well. I couldn't help it. It was an Eye Catcha. After drifting for a moment, my eyes fell on Desmond's scrawny legs and knees.

"What's with your knees?" I asked. Desmond must've been sensitive about his legs, so he put the shirt on. Unfortunately, Desmond's a fairly tall man, so the oversized shirt fell just above his knees like a really crappy hippie dress. We started to walk toward the beach. Desmond began to tell Hurley about the hatch and why it exploded. Sorry, _imploded. _

"So, when you say 'turn the key' you mean like key, key?" Hurley asked. I don't know why Desmond was even wasting his time. Hurley doesn't even get the concept of what a key is.

"It was a failsafe key," Desmond explained.

"That seems kind of convenient," Hurley said.

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm just saying, if you had this magic key the whole time why didn't you, like, use it?"

"I didn't know what would happen."

"So what did happen?"

"The failsafe key must have detonated the electromagnetic anomaly -- made the hatch implode." I giggle every time he says "electromagnetic anomaly". It's an obvious tongue twister for the poor guy, and every time he says it it's a different variation of the same word, like he's making it up as he goes along.

"You didn't implode," Hurley noticed.

"No."

"You're not going to, like, turn into the Hulk, or something," Hurley said, a slightly worried look on his face. Desmond chuckled. Well, it's not really a chuckle as it is a low, mad giggle. "So is that what made the blender noise? And the sky turn purple?"

"I'm afraid I missed that, brotha."

"Right, you were failsafing. Well, FYI, the whole island vibrated. And Kate and Jack and Sawyer saw it, too, right before they got bags pulled over their heads." Hurley said that last part resentfully. Like, BAGS, man. Those damn BAGS.

"Don't worry," Desmond sighed. "Locke's going to go after them. He said so in his speech."

"What? What speech? All he said was he was going to go save Eko and kill bears."

Desmond looked dazed for a moment. "Right. Right, of course. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit shook up."

I didn't like that. That put me on edge, but I don't know why. I tried to shake off the feeling and said, "I don't get it. What happened to you?" Desmond didn't answer, so I said, "It's just… weird. I don't see how the implosion would've ripped your clothes completely off and not leave a scratch on you."

"But I do have a few scratches on me, brotha," he replied.

"You should be dead."

We were nearing camp and we dropped the subject. Everyone at the beach stared out of the corners of their eyes at Desmond, and I distinctly heard some prick named Paulo say, "Great. The fat guy brought one of his stoner friends to the beach."

I turned to ask this Paulo guy who the hell he thought he was, IMPORTANT?, when I spotted Steve, who had a little coconut bowl in one of his hands, the same one Locke was stirring his _Jacob's Ladder _stuff in earlier.

"Hey, Steve-o," I said, eyeing the bowl.

"Wazzup, Tibby Tat?" Steve giggled. Yeah, he'd taken some of the Ladder.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I found this awesome hut by the church," Steve began. "You won't BELIEVE who I saw there!"

"Boone?"

"No! Scott! Remember Scott?" Oh, yeah. Rest in peace, Scott, you poor bastard. "Anyway, he told me I should take this stuff, and I got back here, and I saw Jesus walking on water!"

He pointed at Desmond. Desmond threw a rock into the water, and stared into the sea for a second. Then he ran on top of the water, fetched his rock, came back, and threw it again. …Okay… Locke and Charlie came out of the jungle dragging Eko, and everyone crowded around them and immediately started to ask questions. It was really annoying.

Long story short, Locke told everyone to shut up and said, "I'm going to find our friends. I don't know how yet, but I will. We're going to find them. All of them. And then we're going to bring them home. But first things first, we've got to look out for Mr. Eko. So, Paulo and Nikki, bring towels and water. Claire, we've got to clean him up so bring all the first aid supplies."

I was standing next to Hurley, who the entire time was staring at Desmond. Charlie, of course, had to point out the obvious. "Not a bad speech."

Actually, it was a bad speech. That was five short sentences followed by orders to people I don't know. Locke has had better days. Hurley continued to stare, causing Charlie to ask what the hell he was looking at.

"I just got hit with, you know, déjà vu," he answered.

Charlie looked from Hurley to Desmond and back to Hurley, and I know exactly what he was thinking. …Can someone give him pants? "Okay. Well, when that wears off can you get bandages from the kitchen?"

He left, and I was furious. I walked right up to Hurley and smacked him. "Snap out of it," I snarled.

"Hey! What?" he whined.

"DON'T tell me you're falling for Desmond's magic tricks. He doesn't have any!"

"But what about Locke-"

"Are you kidding? Locke's speech? Every time he talks it's a goddamned speech! It was a lucky guess!"

Hurley let this sink in and nodded. "But what about-"

"Listen, Desmond doesn't have any powers. He's not gifted or anything. He's not allowed."

"Says who?" Hurley asked. He grinned at me. "Are you jealous?"

If steam could rise out of my ears, it would. "Listen, you fat…FUCK!" I screeched. People were staring, and Claire covered Aaron's ears. I lowered my voice and hissed, "There's no way I'm letting that git take away my thunder. It's all I've got."

But the fat thing was too much for Hurley, and he walked away before I could apologize. I glanced back at Desmond, who continued to throw rocks into the ocean. Damn. I should've known we had too much in common.

(A/N: …Yes. Um… Editor's in a bit of a… coma, really. He played LOST shots this ep (taking a shot whenever Sawyer says a nickname, Hurley says dude, Charlie says bloody or sodding, and when Desmond says brotha) and isn't up to high spirits. He also has a creepy man-crush on Desmond. Probably a result from the drinking game. …Bloody idiot.)


	4. Every Man For Himself

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**You know, I liked this ep. It had all the things a good ep should. It wasn't boring, yet exceedingly strange plot curveballs weren't hitting us left and right. This episode was pretty… casual? Like a pair of khakis. This was a khaki episode. Complete with some dick playing golf. **  
**

the LOST diaries: pt. 4

DAY SEVENTY:  
9: 23 a.m. -LOST

Someone finally gave Desmond pants. This morning he was stroking his Jesus beard, staring at Claire putting Aaron to sleep. At first I thought he was acting all strange and pedophiley (that's right, _pedophiley_), but then realized he was contemplating whether to go talk to Claire or not. Probably to ask her why Aaron was so big. He popped up suddenly, looming over Claire and informed her she had a problem with her roof. He offered to fix it, but she whined that she had just put Big Aaron to sleep. But Desmond kept insisting, and then Charlie showed up.

"Whatcha doin, brotha?" Charlie asked, clearly threatened that the crazy hatch guy, what with his Jesus resemblance and his shirt opened slightly to expose his chest for no apparent reason, was trying to seduce his woman. I smirked when Claire kept repeatedly rolling her eyes, playing it off as if she was trying to find the problem with her roof.

"I was just offering to fix this roof here," Desmond explained, fully aware that this conversation was growing awkward quick, and perhaps silently praying that Charlie wouldn't find a double meaning in what he just said.

Of course, he didn't. "Roof? Fine. If there's a problem, I'll fix it. I'm quite handy." He went on a bit more about helping Eko build the church. Or the sad bit of poles sticking out of the ground that he considers a "church". He then pounded his chest and said, "Chuck Chuck fix roof." …Okay, he didn't say that. …I did. And as much as I would've loved to see a Charlie-Desmond throw down, one that we all know would ultimately resulted in Desmond totally kicking Charlie's arse, Desmond backed off. I glanced at the way Desmond walked. It wasn't as girly as Charlie's walk, but the way he swings his arms is a bit robotic. I'd have to keep an eye on that. Desmond's arms… I still hate him.

He turned back to me and said, "I'd watch out for ya head, brotha." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is that a threat? Bring it on! …Charlie's got my back!

1:42 p.m. –LOST

I decided to see how life was going in the zooniverse. Eh, peachy, I guess. I don't really know how to describe how life is in a cage. …Confined? I arrived just as Prickett and some other Others arrived to pick up Kate and Sawyer for work. Sort of like carpooling. Except extremely not.

Prickett had a bandage on his nose and muttered, "Time for work," as he opened Sawyer's cage.

"Sound a little stuffy there, Chinatown. You need to blow your nose?" Sawyer grinned. I had to stifle my laughter at the absolute absurdity of his comment. _Chinatown? _What? Some stupid banter followed, interrupted by Prickett's walkie-talkie. Prickett stepped to the side and listened to the incoherent Peanuts voice on the other line.

"Whah whah wuh wah."

"What?" Prickett asked, sounding concerned. "Where are they?"

Suddenly, Benry, Juliet and yet some more Others came running through the zooniverse, carrying that Bitchy Chick that Sun had so admirably shot. Prickett nearly cried at the sight of her and ran off with them, and after everyone left, Kate asked, "What happened?"

"We happened," Sawyer chuckled. "Been on this rock long enough to realize they ain't in the business of shooting each other. We did it. Our team." I was on Sawyer's side with this one. Yeah, point for us! Can't wait till he finds out who pulled the trigger.

"You smiling?" Kate asked indignantly.

"Damn right I'm smiling. Because we just got our ticket out of here."

…Now we were confused. I really don't get Sawyer's logic. You know, for a con man, he's not that bright. He began to work the Fish Treat Machine, and he had a manic look in his eye. I began to regret teaching him how to work that thing. Actually, maybe not. Whatever he was up to, he was bound to get hurt in the process, so maybe this wasn't so bad after all. Kate asked him what he was doing.

"Shush up, I'm thinking," he answered. I leaned forward in anticipation. THAT can't be good. "You know that chick they brought in on the stretcher -- that's broken nose man's girl." Sawyer went on a loud rampage and I noticed the camera blinking in the corner of the cage. I bet anything there's a mic in here. Gandalf, Sawyer's an idiot. Especially when he explained his plan. "There's juice pumping into this box from somewhere." He pointed to a puddle that had formed from the drain in his cage. "Next time someone comes to pull me out, I'm going to wait until they step in my little swimming hole, and I grab them. Zap! They fall back from the shock -- I snag the keys. Bet the bears never thought of that."

"You're both going to get electrocuted," Kate stated at him in annoyed disbelief.

"Yeah, I felt the jolt. I can take it." Oh, can you? "The other guy -- he ain't going to be ready for it. What, you think I'm crazy?"

"No, I'm actually impressed." No, NO! Don't encourage him! His logic is worse than Sayid's!

"Well, wipe the stars out of eyes, sweetheart -- because we're going to do this." Oh, I had to stick around for this. Not long afterward, Benry showed up, creepily stalking towards Sawyer's cage. He stopped about a foot behind the puddle.

"What do you weigh?" he asked creepily.

"180, give or take," Sawyer replied.

Ben stood just before the puddle. "How old are you?"

"Thirty-two," Sawyer answered, clearly aware that we all knew he was lying. I'd guess thirty-five.

"Don't lie."

Sawyer sighed. "Thirty-five." Hey, wouldn't you know it. Benry stepped into the puddle and began to open the cage, Sawyer grabbed his arm and started to kick the knife and spoon button with his bare foot. …Bare foot? Where are his shoes? Where are his socks? Those EVIL BASTARDS! He continued to kick, but nothing was happening. "What did you do?" he growled.

"We turned it off," Ben answered calmly before punching Sawyer in the face and continuing to beat him with what looked like a car antenna. Ouch. Awesome, but ouch. Guess that puts us back a point. So where does that put us? Negative twenty three? Then Ben kicked Sawyer in the face, knocking him out. Very ouch, very sweet. Who knew Henry had it in him? Ben and two other guys dragged Sawyer out of the cage and left Kate alone to do that shivering whimper. With the entertainment gone, I decided to follow them to a dark room. Ben, Mr. Friendly, and two other guys were all watching Sawyer, who was strapped to a table.

Sawyer slowly came to and groggily asked, "Where am I?" When no one bothered to answer his question, he realized where he was and the situation he was in. "What the hell are you doing to me? Let me up!"

One of the other guys, Jason, walked over to Sawyer and offered him a wooden stick.

"Bite down on this please," he said robotically.

Sawyer, forever the brave poet, replied, "You bite down on it."

Jason grabbed his head and shoved the thing in his mouth and Ben reminded him it was for the pain. Sawyer's eyes widened at this, but were no where near as large as when they bulged when he spotted the other other, Matthew, tapping a giant syringe and needle.

Ben shuddered, "God, I hate needles."

"No! What are you doing?!" Sawyer yelled.

Matthew was holding Sawyer down and had the needle poised over his heart. …You know, I hate needles too, especially when they're that big, but I couldn't help but think that this felt all too familiar. Jason was next to Matthew and grabbed his wrist and reminded him, "No, you have to go through the sternum." He tapped the spot on Sawyer's chest, and I was really close to getting why this was jogging memories. "The sternum, like in the movie."

My jaw nearly dropped and I had to choke back a gasp. _LIKE IN THE MOVIE?_ No! Yes! NO! They were doing a _Pulp Fiction_ on Sawyer and he wasn't even O-Ding on anything! This was… brilliant! This was horrible! I wondered if he'd flip out and turn into Uma Thurman! Matthew was counting down the seconds as he prepared to stab Sawyer's sternum with the needle, and I couldn't take it anymore. I popped back to the beach, and, in my frightened haste, ended up knee deep in ocean water. I didn't have long enough to consider my surroundings, since a golf ball suddenly struck my head.

"GAH! SWEET DESMOND! OH MY- GAH!" I collapsed back into the water.

"Hey!" It was that dick, Paulo. He was hitting balls into the water. …Who the hell does that? "Get out of the way!" I immediately started to curse at him and he started threatening me. Bitch, it was on. And if Desmond didn't show up, I would've taken one of those golf clubs and shoved it right up his-

"Don't mind me, brotha," he said hesitantly, eyeing us and probably wondering if he'd have to use one of his magic tricks to separate us if it got out of hand. "I'm just gonna take one of your clubs. Hurley said it would be alright."

Paulo continued to glare at me before saying, "Hurley, huh? Does this mean you're off to save the day?"

Desmond chuckled and exchanged a look with me that I took as his accepting to be in our Beat the Shyte out Of Pablo Tag Team. "So, uh, I can take one of these?"

Paulo flexed his muscles as he raised the club and said, "Take the five iron; I never use it. That way when you die in the jungle, doing whatever you're doing, I don't have to go looking for it."

Desmond held the club and smirked, giving me that look again. "Thanks, mate." Paulo ignored him and took a shot. Desmond said, "You know, you might want to square your shoulders a bit more."

Paulo raised an eyebrow and brusquely asked, "You play golf?"

Desmond grinned a crazy, terrifying grin. "I'm Scottish. Cheers."

While Paulo stared at Desmond walking away, I took the opportunity to whack him in the back with the wedge. I don't fight fair, never have, and with all these clubs lying around, do you honestly think I wouldn't use them to my advantage? Paulo drove a hard shot into my chest, but he's not the strongest, so I beat his shoulder and he lost his guard, so I repeatedly smashed him until he dropped to the ground. Everyone at the beach was watching as I delivered blows to the back of his knees and Desmond placed the five iron he had taken against a log and slowly started walking back towards us. Paulo was screaming and people were running, slowing down as they realized what was going on and then stopping to watch.

"There, there, calm down," Desmond said, his hands in his pockets and flinching at the appropriate times. Paulo continued to yell in Spanish and I cursed like a sailor with Tourette's as I began to choke him with a putter.

The only thing that made me stop was hearing someone shriek, _"TIBBY!" _I looked up. It was Rose.

5: 04 p.m. –LOST

Rose yelled something fierce as she scolded us afterward. She wouldn't hear what we had to say, and told us that just because Jack was gone didn't mean we all had to start acting like animals. I mean, who said Jack was in charge, and all that. We had to start governing ourselves and we wouldn't get very far if we continued to act like children. She was disappointed in us, especially me, and then she yelled at Desmond, saying that she didn't care if he was new here, if he saw a fight wouldn't it be smart for him to break it up. The look on Desmond's face was worth it. Just as I was about to leave, Desmond asked me how my head was. …Eh, we've got a temporary truce, but I'm bound to hate him soon enough. I went over to the Pulp Fiction room and found Sawyer still bound, unconscious, and shirtless, but he now had a gauze bandage on his chest. And then a little pathetic and useless bandage that seemed to be there for decorative purposes. …I guess they knocked Sawyer out and decided to decorate him with bandages. Benry came in holding a cage with a little white bunny with the number 8 spray painted on him. Upon seeing this bunny, both Sawyer and I started to freak out, assuming the Others had somehow gotten hold of Bunnicula.

But then Ben started to shake the cage forcefully. "Come on, come on, come on, come on. Let's move it. Let's move it. Let's move it. Hippity-hop. Hippity-hop. Hippity-hop." The bunny suddenly dropped dead. Wow. It's easier to kill a bunny then I thought. Ben went on and on about Sawyer having a pacemaker in his heart which would make his heart explode, and that the watch he was wearing would go off as a warning. I dozed off. Kicking arse takes a lot out of you, you know. I wasn't paying attention because, a) that didn't make any sense, and 2) I really think the Pulp Fiction geeks were too busy with their bandages to make any big heart surgeries. And besides, I was gone twenty minutes. There was no way they could possibly have put a pacemaker in Sawyer in less than twenty minutes. But of course, Sawyer is an idiot and ate every word of it. Not that Benry doesn't do a good job of convincing him. And that bunny, what an actor! ...At least, I hope it was acting. I left and wandered the building, stumbling upon an operating room, where Bitchy Chick was being prodded by a flustered Juliet. I walked out of there immediately and wondered where I could find where they were keeping the bunnies. I heard scurrying in a nearby closet and poked my head in. At first, I thought the closet was empty, but one look up revealed a dozen white rabbits hanging on their paws from the ceiling, all seemingly asleep. Everyone started running around and a loud siren went off. All the Bunniculas woke up and looked at me with their beady red eyes and lunged at me. I was lucky that the siren was on, because otherwise someone might've wondered what all that clattering and yelling coming from the Bunnicula-infested storage closet was. I staggered out of there minutes later, hoping I wouldn't turn into some zombie, and walked into another… I guess the waiting room for the surgery room, I dunno, but there was an x-ray of a huge tapeworm on the wall. Or someone's spine. Jack was led by Juliet and some Others with a potato sack on his head. Nice look for him. Makes him look buff. No, seriously. He came in and immediately started to scrub up, as he was informed that he would be dealing with the impossible task of saving someone with a gunshot to the abdomen. He glanced at the x-rays but was hastily dragged out of there and into the operating room. No one was happy to see him, and he didn't want to be there, but c'mon, people, we're professionals. After being informed that Prickett was actually Bitchy Chick's husband (what a GREAT couple!), Prickett was dragged out of the room and Jack unsuccessfully tried to save Chick's life. Which raises the question, who HAS he saved on this island? He has a one out of ten success rate, you know. Maybe when he was graduating from med school a year faster than everyone, he missed some vital information on keeping your patients alive. …Yes, that makes sense.

For once, Jack didn't freak out or anything. He just solemnly stated, "Time of death…" he glanced around the room for a clock, but didn't find one. Oh, this is COMPLETELY throwing off his groove! "…she's gone."

We heard and saw Prickett banging on the glass window that oversaw the operations and yelling, "They did this! They did this!" Of course, the sound was muffled and it looked kind of funny. I mean, he was obviously heartbroken and destroyed, but it DID look laughable. Yes, I know I'm going to Monkey Hell. Prickett ran out in a state of rage. I like this guy. I dunno, I just like this Chinatown, I guess. Mr. Friendly, who was also in the room, ran after him. And so did I. Juliet was distraught, Jack was confused, Colleen was dead, and Ben was leering at them all from behind the window. Wherever Prickett was heading, this was bound to be good. And, alas, we followed him to the zooniverse, where he dragged Sawyer out of his cage and immediately started betting the shyte out of him. For no apparent reason. It was awesome. I would've liked it a whole lot better had he not been demanding Kate to answer whether she loved Sawyer or not after every punch, but you can't always get what you want. No, you cahn't always git what you wah-ant! I sat atop of the Fish Treat machine and watched the whole proceedings and hummed that song. It didn't really harmonize with Kate's sobs, so I stopped. Eventually Kate gave in and said that yes, she did love Sawyer, but only after Sawyer was beaten to a bloody pulp and dumped back in the cage. I harmonized with Kate's silent sobs for a while, but then she stopped and looked for the source of the singing trying to imitate the chorus from the Rolling Stones song. I forgot about the mic as well, but luckily I was still in inviso-mode. I no longer had any feeling in my fingertips, but I could still be invisible. Sawyer came to not long afterward and Kate asked him how he was.

"Why did he do that?" she asked.

"Hell if I know. These people ever make any sense to you?" Then Kate actually started to climb to the top of the cage in effort to escape. My question is why she didn't do this before, and why not at night rather than in the middle of the day. But of course, Kate is one of those "do it now" kind of people that don't bother thinking about consequences. Or rather, they're too stupid to realize that there might be consequences, and that those might be negative. Yeah, I used to be one of those. Still am, matter of fact. Sawyer started to ask her what the hell she thought she was doing.

"What does it look like?" she answered. Like something you should've done last night, Kate. She was perched on the top of her cage.

"I told you, the time ain't right," Sawyer whispered.

"You're the one that said we had to go."

"Well, that was before..."

"Before what?!" Kate blurted as she continued to climb down. Even though they aren't aware they're under surveillance, these two DO realize that someone can hear them, right? "I don't know what they did to you. But I know you're scared enough to lie about it. And that scares me more than anything that they have done to us before." Blah, blah, blah, Kate! Pull your pansy ass together! Then she jumped down and started to hit the lock on Sawyer's cage with a rock. I sighed loudly. This is why you THINK these things over! It's called PLANNING. It started to rain. Most of the time when it rains on this island, something happens. I've never been so terrified of rain before in my life, but since we crashed I'm always on high alert.

"I'm not leaving you, Sawyer." And why the hell not? "I can get it open."

"No. You're already out. You've got to go. You've got to leave me!" Sawyer barked, suddenly being noble. Kate stared at him in confusion. Sawyer, suddenly being… SELFLESS? "Run!" he demanded.

Kate started to yell at Sawyer and demanded to know what they did to him when he was gone, and when his watch started to beep she became even more persistent.

"Why didn't you fight back?! Tell me the truth for once in your life!" Yawn. This was getting soap opera-y.

"If you really love me – go," Sawyer sighed. Yep, definitely soap opera-y.

Kate's eyes narrowed and she said quietly, "I only said that so he'd stop hitting you." She walked back to her cage. Of COURSE she loves Sawyer! EVERYONE knows it! She's even going BACK IN THE CAGE to stay with him longer!

Sawyer saw this and his jaw dropped. "Run! Hurry! What the hell are you doing? KATE! Damn it, Freckles, go. Every man for himself."

From inside her cage, Kate crossed her arms and said, "Live together, die alone." …WHAT? Is that their new catch phrase, or something? It doesn't even make any sense! Why not "live together, die together", Kate? Take everyone down you! This was ridiculous. I headed back to camp and found a weird tower constructed of random sticks with a golf club attached to the top. …Was this some sort of threat from Paulo? I don't remember him saying anything about, "Three o'clock. Meet me at the golf club tower. Rematch."

I shouldn't have been surprised when Hurley walked up to Desmond and asked, "Is that- art?"

"Nope," Desmond replied. "Just an experiment."

They stared at it for a second. "Okay. …You want some fruit salad?"

Desmond said he wasn't hungry and Hurley began to leave, but Des stopped him. "You might want to wait a minute."

"Why's that?"

"So I can have some banana," I said, grabbing a banana chunk out of the bowl. He gave me a look, but smirked at my face once I popped the banana in my mouth.

"What?" he asked.

"These aren't DHARMA bananas, are they?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"It tastes like shoe."

It suddenly began to pour. I jumped behind Hurley. Big Aaron started to cry because water was getting into their tent. Charlie ran over and was overall extremely useless in helping Claire calm Aaron. If anything, he made matters worse. He also looked like he scrubbed his face raw and then smeared bacon all over, but I'll save that for another time. He did look at Desmond like he just had an epiphany. Damn. Once again, Desmond gets all the recognition. …WHATEVER. I guess there's plenty more Paulo bones to break for occasions like this.

-Tibby T

A/N: Here's a story you might like. I recently found out that my crazy writing teacher (no one EVER take a writing course if you like the process of writing, folks, it'll destroy you) is a fan of LOST. We were talking about it, and she asked me who my favorite character was. It changes from time to time, and I told her right now it was Desmond. She was a bit surprised and asked why. I told her that he was crazy, and of all the people on the show, he's the only one on the island that had basically ended up there because he was an idiot. Gotta love Desmond. My writing instructor, not so much. "I don't like Desmond," she said. She then mentioned something about kleptomaniacs. …What? She went on a bit more, and then said suddenly and very harshly, "I don't like Desmond." She repeated it a few times. I took the beating, it's not the first time something I liked has been so harshly criticized. I was just alarmed for my own safety at this point. I asked her if she wanted to get a drink of water or take a walk, but she didn't get the joke, and simply walked off muttering things about Desmond as she went. …I'm a bit afraid to go back there.


	5. The Cost of Living

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**This episode SUCKED. You know, I heard AAA (guy that plays Eko, there's no WAY I'm writing that name, it's impossible!) actually asked the writers to kill his character off the show. And I would've done the same thing. I mean, I should just have Tibby throw herself off a cliff in the middle of season four. If she doesn't, I will.

the LOST diaries: pt. 5

DAY SEVENTY:  
10:08 p.m. –LOST

Instead of helping with the fire at the beach, I decided to chill at Jack's tank. The TV wasn't on and he was doing pull-ups on the bar hanging overhead. That's how his arms have gotten so big. The room appeared to be blue and the overall environment was very gloomy. Benry walked in wearing some weird white pajamas. Like some sort of crazy cult pajamas.

"Good evening, Jack," he said. He was acting weird. More weird than normal. Because he was trying to act normal. Does this make any sense? "I was hoping you might join me for a walk." I noticed he had an extra pair of pajamas in his arms.

Jack did that crazy girlish chuckle. "You say that like you're not just going to throw a bag over my head and drag me out of here if I don't say no." …Did that make sense? NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE DOWN HERE!

"Then don't say no," Ben grinned, really creeping me out right now. I was waiting for him to break out laughing in a bubbly, airy giggle. He put the shirt on the platform. "Why don't you put this on?" He then turned robotically and said, "I'll wait outside." …Creepy! And besides, it's not like Jack is going to strip and run around the tank and dance. It's just a shirt, for Sam's sake. As he headed to the door, Jack started to ask him if he was feeling any pain in his neck, had any feeling in his fingertips and other medical questions. Ben asked why he was being asked these questions.

"You have a tumor on your spine," Jack explained. "An aggressive tumor. That is going to kill you. I don't know when those x-rays were taken that I saw, but unless they were very recent, you're not going to be taking walks much longer."

Ben stared at him blankly, then laughed and said, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Which was pretty damn obvious that he knew exactly what Jack was talking about. Jack merely shrugged and told Ben he was ready for that walk. Ben led Jack outside, where Jason was waiting, also in white pajamas. I guess Jack wasn't thinking about being sacrificed in some sort of weird ritual, but it was all I could think about. I mean, what else does matching clothes ever mean outside prison and Catholic school? They walked to the beach, where a group of white pajamas were crowded around a covered body. Some people had to physically pry Prickett off the body, so I'm assuming it was Colleen. Jack and I watched the bizarre scene of them picking up the raft that Colleen and all her flowers were perched on as Brenda Lee's "I Wonder" played. Then they set Colleen on fire. Okay, yes, people and civilizations all over the world will burn those who have passed, but really. When you think about it, human beings do the weirdest things to their dead. I should know. Jack watched and I was suddenly distracted by the spooked look on Ben's face, and not to mention his hair. Just… What is going on up there?

DAY SEVENTY-ONE:  
12: 15 p.m. –LOST

Sayid came back yesterday afternoon, and this morning Locke was explaining his plan to rescue Kate, Sawyer, and Jack. I notice that no one's in that big of a hurry to get them back. I mean…it's not like they're going anywhere. And if they are, even better. The less we have to worry about them.

"Can I ask why he's being included in the conversation?" Sayid asked sheepishly. Locke and Sayid were sitting across from each other at one of the fires, and Desmond was loudly munching on a mango behind them. I guess Sayid didn't care that I was there. Damn straight.

"Is that supposed to hurt my feelings?" Desmond smirked as he licked the juice off the knife he was stabbing the mango with. Sayid was revolted, but Locke smiled at Desmond like he was the largest, cutest, hairiest infant he'd ever seen.

"Tell him what you told me," he smirked.

"The computer in the hatch wasn't only for pushing a button," Desmond explained. "I'm pretty sure it can be used to communicate with other stations."

…WOW! The information itself wasn't that great of a landmark, but the fact that they were coming up with it NOW? Astonishing! I applauded. Sayid shared my feelings. "This is fascinating," he said flatly. "But you just told me the hatch exploded." Locke corrected him, saying that only ONE did.

"You want to try and communicate with the Others," Sayid stated. Locke nodded, and Charlie and Hurley came over, saying that they couldn't find Eko, who apparently ran off again last night. Seriously, we have GOT to put that dude on a leash.

"There's no trail," Charlie said.

"Not that we know what a trail looks like," Hurley hinted. I guess Eko isn't a big priority either. There is no way Locke would have left CHARLIE and HURLEY to efficiently find him. He might as well have sent me, drunk and blindfolded, and I would've gotten better results. Locke asked Charlie if he said anything before he disappeared last night.

"Nothing…coherent. He was just mumbling. My brother, my brother…"

Locke soaked this in, and then got a look of realization on his face. "Sayid, pack your gear, we're going to that computer."

"Wait, what about Eko?" Charlie asked as Locke began to walk off.

"We'll catch up to him," he jogged, his arms swaying like a twelve year old girl. "We're all going to the same place."

4: 16 p.m. –LOST

For some reason, this "kitchen" we've got is a major hangout. Like a bar. People will eat off the table, and occasionally Desmond will come by and lounge on it. Then we'll have to sterilize it. Crazy bastard. Charlie, Hurley, and I were cutting some pineapple to put in my Chuhai, and Paulo and that chick Nikki were opening cans. You could cut the silence with a knife, and I glanced at the possible weapon in my hand and wondered…

"We're heading out to the Pearl Station, there's a computer there that might help us find our people," Locke explained as he walked into the kitchen with Sayid and Desmond and started packing items in his bag. "Anybody wanna come along?"

"Whaddya mean, 'anybody wanna come along'?" Hurley asked.

"I mean, if you'd like to join us, it's a free island," Locke answered, reaching for the brightest red apple I've ever seen.

"Yeah, see Jack would go and do stuff alone," Hurley said. "Or he'd take Sayid or Kate."

I had moved for Locke to grab things, and could practically feel the angry heat radiating from his bald head. "Yeah, well…" BREATHE IN. "I'm not Jack." He grinned at everyone else and left, saying, "The more, the merrier."

I punched Hurley's arm. What the hell was that about? There was no reason at all to say what he did. Did someone pay him to say that? That was so stupid. There was going to be a punch for every thought, but then Nikki raised her hand and said, "I'll go."

"What?" Paulo and I said simultaneously. We exchanged dark glances and I continued to stab my pineapple as he said, "You're not serious."

"What? You always whine about not being included. Now's our chance," Nikki said as she left. Paulo and I exchanged glances again and both bolted in our separate directions, which was difficult, because we were both in the other's way and savagely pushed the other to get by. I raced to where Locke and Desmond were filling their water bottles by the…well thing…we've got, I dunno what it's called, and nearly tackled Desmond to the ground.

"Locke! You're not serious, are you?" I cried.

"Serious about what?" he asked.

"About letting those… newbies come with us!"

"What do you mean?"

"Man, we have a thing going! It's OUR thing! We can't let other people come into our thing! Not now!"

Locke looked confused. Desmond looked curious. "Tibby…" Locke said. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Nikki wants to come with us," I explained. "And Paulo."

Locke grinned. "Great! The more the-"

"No! This isn't going to be merry! This is just going to be more! Haven't you heard? Two's company, three's a crowd, so there's you, Desmond, Sayid… That's FIVE! Five's a mob! Of angry villagers! With pitchforks and torches and-"

Locke cut me off and clapped a hand on my shoulder. "You know," he said. "You're welcome to join us."

He left, leaving Desmond to give me that crazy grin. "Oh, button your shirt, you crazy bastard," I snapped. And we were off. Locke led us through the jungle and I stood behind him so Sayid and Desmond could form a barrier between me and Paulo and Nikki, who brought up the rear. Not long afterward, we came across Eko, sprawled out in the creek. Locke assumed we were all going to the same place and had him join us, and he staggered through the jungle beside Locke. When Eko nearly fell in his determined stumble, Locke offered to stop, but Eko wasn't stopping anytime soon.

"You're heading for the plane wreckage, aren't ya?" Locke asked. "Charlie heard you call for your brother before you left the camp." Eko looked around the trees, trying to recognize the spot and looking absolutely bewildered. "Is that what you're doing out here? Looking for Yemi?"

Eko suddenly pinned Locke to a tree and put a knife to his throat. "Do not speak my brother's name again," he threatened. I looked back at Desmond and Sayid. They both looked startled and ready to bolt. Aaaaand Nikki and Paulo were making out.

"Shouldn't we do something?" I hissed.

"Bitch, you crazy?" Desmond snapped, giving me a subtle yet still creepy grin again. Sayid looked at the both of us as we danced around. Yes, I'm slowly getting over my jealousy over Desmond. He's my new mate, simply because that out of everyone on the island, me and Desmond have the most in common, even with our supernatural abilities! And, even though I'm still friends with Hurley and Charlie, they are WAY too stupid and annoying to be around more than forty minutes to an hour at a time. Eko let go of Locke and we continued to walk toward the Pearl Station. We came across it and Eko immediately walked toward the plane as Locke instructed Sayid to take everyone down to the hatch.

"I'll be there in a minute," Locke said.

"What's Eko looking for?" Paulo loudly asked.

"His brother's body is in that plane," Nikki whispered, annoying me greatly that she somehow had gotten a hold of such personal information in regards to Eko. Sayid and Desmond opened the hatch door and stared at the almost computer animated tunnel leading into the Station. I said almost. I wondered aloud if the people in this hatch had a front door, because the ladder they had leading downward seemed for decorative purposes. It was like rock climbing, except with nifty metal squares sticking out of the wall that some crazy German designer expected us to not fall and break our necks once we tried to descend down the tunnel. Sayid climbed down, and after Nikki and Paulo, Desmond went. He was standing in the hatch, waiting for me to come down as I rocked in one of the armchairs. He was a bit startled to see me waving at him as I reclined, but was too distracted by the overall appearance of this new hatch to ask how I got there. Locke came down and he, Sayid, and Desmond were tinkering with some box with wires in it as Nikki and I watched the boring Orientation film. She seemed fascinated by it, though, and suddenly asked what the Other TVs were for.

"To observe the other Stations, duh," I answered, flipping through a DHARMA notebook. Locke still looked confused in regards to Nikki's question, so she rewound the tape, where that one guy was talking about monitoring other Station's projects. Which was exactly what I had just said.

"Projects. More than one. So maybe some of these TVs are connected to the other hatches," she said. Locke kicked at the floor and said he suddenly felt very stupid. Did he forget that the last time we were here we observed Jack picking his nose? Or was he pretending to not know about it so Desmond wouldn't freak out that someone had been watching him take showers for years? Or maybe the old bastard was simply losing it. Sayid said some technical mumbo-jumbo, explaining that he could do something with the wires so we could see what was going on in the other hatches. There was suddenly a loud flush, and Pablo came out of the bathroom.

"The toilet works," he coughed. We all stared at him.

"_Why are you here?" _I asked him. Of course, the thought of what shape that bathroom was in made me stop thinking of any insults I could call him immediately. I mean, think about it. It ought to be disgusting, unless this Pearl Station has cleaning ladies that come in here once a week. Oh, Pablo, that brave soul. Or, more likely, that brainless moron. Then, get this, he begins to EAT SOME FRUIT. I hope that dumbass gets E. coli or the Black Plague or something, the sick bastard. Sayid did something to one of the wires and an image showed up on one of the screens. It was another Vegas Room, except that one looked quite smaller and more shabbier.

"Those are computers! Great. That's what you're looking for! Now we can get out of here," Pablo said, munching on his mango. The camera was slowly panning around the room, something I don't remember it doing at the other hatch, and Nikki screamed when a man wearing an eye patch suddenly came into view. He turned his head and tapped the camera quizzically before covering it with his hand and shutting it off, leaving us with static.

"I guess he'll be expecting us," Locke smirked.

"Guys!" I said, for the Epiphany Fairy had smacked the back of my head. "You know what this means?" Everyone stared in anticipation. "There are PIRATES on the island! This explains it all!"

Sayid nodded, got up and wiped his hands on his pants. "Yes, Tibby. That is exactly the type of assessment we need." He looked at Pablo. "You. Take notes. And I hope you washed your hands."

5:23 p.m. –LOST

Everyone was discussing this mysterious pirate in this mysterious other hatch, and I decided to leave. Much more productive things were going on over by the Others' place, but the zooniverse was empty so I checked in on Jack's Fish Tank. Juliet was wheeling in the TV to torture Jack some more, saying that she was going to put a movie on. Jack, obviously assuming it was some crappy old animated film, perhaps Bambi (which I never got, by the way, but I'm not going on a rampage about my Bambi issues), said he didn't want to see a movie.

"You'll like it," she insisted. "It's _To Kill A Mockingbird_. It's a classic." …Oh, Gandalf, I can't resist this one. Although I've never seen the movie, except for one time when I was in a hotel room and watched a few minutes at the end, realized Gregory Peck was a robot and that the film wasn't in color, and loudly said, "Screw this!", I've read the book, and have always wondered WHY it's called _To Kill A Mockingbird_. There were no mockingbirds! Jack still was resisting, and Juliet said she'd put the sound down. Which completely depletes the whole "watching the movie" experience. He's in a damn fish tank, and now he's going to have to see a black and white film with the sound off? What are we, in the Stone Age? Juliet put the movie on and started apologizing for the whole "being held captive" thing. I noticed that the movie was playing in color. And that Juliet was in it. ...Was Juliet the mockingbird? She was holding a card that said: IGNORE EVERYTHING I'M SAYING. …I took the guess that this wasn't _To Kill A Mockingbird. _

For the next few minutes, Juliet would say something like, "Ben, he's a great man." Video Juliet would hold up the BEN IS A LIAR card. Real Juliet was saying that Jack had to do everything to save Benry's life, while Video Juliet would say that Jack could leave him in the dust on the surgery table and that no one would know.

I vaguely wondered what would've happened had Juliet informed Jack that he'd be watching _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and what she would've done had he said, "Man, I LOVE that movie! Turn it up!" I'd like to think she would've gulped, coughed, shook her head, and said, "Oh, I forgot. It's… _Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood_. You like Sandra Bullock?"

I sneered as I could hear the gears in Jack's head moving. Knowing him, he wouldn't consider both of his options, just go with the latest one and run off with it. I hated when he did that. These Others are nuts, and you can't trust anyone, yes, INCLUDING THE BLONDE CAUCASIAN FEMALE, Jack! They're playing with him, I know it, by baiting him with this woman who I initially thought was Penny, than Jack's wife, than any other white blonde woman, because they all look the same, and that's exactly how they're going to trick him into doing something that will have severe consequences either way, and either way he's going to realize he's been tricked, and then I pray that he'll go apeshit and rip someone's face off. But that's just wishful thinking. Video Juliet held up the NOW TELL ME TO TURN OFF THE MOVIE card, and Jack did so with a frustrated and annoyed voice. He demanded that she leave, and she obliged, but not before saying, "Think about what I said. Please."

My first thought was that he should let Benry live, simply so I could see Juliet in a fit of rage. If Jack was smart, which I think he's vaguely… Well, he went to Columbia, so he's got to know SOMETHING! But I think he knows that Benry's in charge here, and that he should work some sort of deal with him in exchange of saving his life. My suggestion: somehow work together, so they're on the same page. You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And, if I know Jack, I know he wouldn't take my advice in a million years. Simply because he thinks with his bollocks, and is encouraged by the mistakes of his past to go in one direction when he doesn't consider the options of doing something completely out of the box and therefore doing something that might possibly save his and maybe a few other people's skins. So his feeble mind can't take such drastic measures. Or can it? …No, no it can't.

…Morons. I went back to the Pearl, found it empty, and found everyone outside, surrounding Eko's dead body.

"What the hell happened here?" I asked. "Wait, it was those PIRATES, wasn't it? Those bastard pirates!"

-Tibby T

A/N: Eh. You know, this episode was so bad that I was thinking of doing another Lord of the Rings "quest for the ring" thing, but I realized that three years in a row is stretching it a bit thin. And I think we have to start putting down our LOTR torches as it is. C'mon, people. It's been over three years. I know this process can be painful, but I think we can all go through it together, right? Yes. And besides, I heard that Eragon movie is going to have LOTR fans eating their hearts out.Or maybe that was Harry Potter fans. Ah well, the general audience will be geeks and nerds, and Gandalf bless you all. As for myself, I'm counting the days till Spiderman 3, because, I'll have to admit, I was a Spidey junkie before I jumped on the Hobbit Train. And besides, I hate dragons. "I HATE dragons! I HATE them!"


	6. I Do

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**When I saw this episode I was cheering in my living room. GO, CRAZY EYES! I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU. Dancing in my living room as my neighbours watched in astonishment. And now I'll have to wait a few months for a Desmond-Charlie throw down.

the LOST diaries: pt. 6

DAY SEVENTY-ONE:  
1:04 p.m. –LOST

Jack was in his tank as Benry and Juliet entered the room. I admired his crazy eyes as they scanned the x-rays on the table. As if they were going to feed him the instructions for whatever devious plan they would come up with. By all means, Jack's crazy eyes.

"The tumor on your spine is borderline inoperable. And at the rate it's growing, that borderline goes away in one week," Jack said. Benry acted as if this didn't faze him at all, even though his receding hairline went up just a bit. Jack began to ask about all the equipment that is or probably isn't in the operating room. "You need to be in surgery yesterday."

"Alright, then. Whatever you need, it's yours. I'm ready," Benry said in a grateful tone.

Only to be cut off by Crazy Eyes' sinister laugh. "No, I think you misunderstood me. I didn't say I was gonna do it. I just wanted you to understand how you're gonna die." Ooh. Touché, Crazy Eyes. "You think I believe you people? You think I trust you? That I'm just going to do the surgery, and then I'm just going to HOPE that you let me go?!" his voice was beginning to go up, in volume and pitch. And we all know what that means. Juliet began to say something but Jack threw her off by throwing the folder containing the x-rays at her face. Well, had there not been a thick wall of glass between us it would've hit her in the face. Which would've been awesome. Hmm, who would I rather see fight, Jack and Sawyer or Jack and Juliet? Please, there's no question about it. Jack and Bob Barker.

Ben broke the awkward silence that followed with the classic, "Well, Jack. I'm very disappointed in your decision."

Crazy Eyes walked over to the glass and hissed, "Well, Ben. At least you won't have to be disappointed for very long." …NICE. Jack has really perfected these cruel, witty one-liners. Just around when Sawyer's beginning to lose his nickname thunder. Speaking of which, life in the zooniverse was dismal as always, so I checked how it was going for the very slow proceedings at Eko's funeral. It seemed like he's been there for days. Maybe that's how long it took them to drag his body to the sunlit grove in the middle of the jungle. Desmond seemed oddly choked up about the whole thing. I mean, he barely knew Eko, and he was close to tears. Nikki and Locke were discussing just what did this to Eko, which I think would've been the first thing discussed when they found him, but, whatever, the time on this stupid island is totally off. Or maybe it's just me. When we first crashed, I thought we had been here for three months rather than a week. Damn island with your slow time.

"Are we gonna carry him back?" Nikki asked.

"No. We're gonna bury him here," Locke answered. Translation, for those from the ghetto insane asylum hood: Bitch, PLEASE. It took us fo' hours to drag his ass this much already!

Desmond, brushing away his man tears, asked, "Are we?"

Locke sighed and explained, "The people back in camp... there's just been a few too many funerals lately. Nobody needs to see him like this. I'll slip back to the beach and get a couple of shovels." And, just for laughs, how many of those deaths can we blame on Locke? Hmm, Boone, let's say Eko, Ana Lucia and Libby because Locke thought he trusted Benry… Sayid insisted to go with Locke. They left, Nikki and Paulo started to make out, and Desmond took a stick and poked Eko's shoulder with it. Yeah, this was bound to be a productive day.

I headed over to where I knew there would be something industrious, the dirt-patch-iverse where Kate and Sawyer beat the ground with garden tools. Unfortunately, the second my foot touched the soil, "COMPOUND BREACH" blared from the loudspeaker. I immediately cursed and threw myself on the ground. Prickett started barking on his walkie-talkie and after yelling, "How the hell did she get over here?", some guy was hit in the back of the head with a rock. The source was Alex, armed with a slingshot. I'm not kidding here. She was all Dennis Da Menace as she barked at Sawyer and Kate to get up and run off, but for once their hesitance had good reason. I mean… What…the fuck? They have a huge alarm going off for a girl with a SLINGSHOT? Then again, they were on high alert for a biscuit. You can't trust these people.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Prickett asked incredulously. He tried to get her to calmly drop her "weapon", like it was an explosive or something. Honestly, what has Alex done before that is making everyone so tense? It's a stupid slingshot. Aren't these Others supposed to be awesome with guns? Someone shoot it out of her hands!

"What did you do to him, Danny?! Where is he?! I wanna talk to Ben," Alex insisted.

"Sure, that sounds like a great idea. So why don't we just lower our little sling-"

"WHERE IS HE?! Tell me!" Alex screeched. By now, some Other was actually doing something as he grabbed her from behind. As she was being dragged off, she yelled at Kate, "Whatever they say, don't believe them! They're going to kill your boyfriend! Just like they killed mine!" Boyfriend? I hope she doesn't mean that monkey Depeche Mode kid. Somehow, I don't quite see them as a good couple at all. Well, Alex doesn't strike me as the whole…"having a boyfriend" kind of girl, if you get my meaning. …Yeah, I'm going to get in trouble for that one.

4:15 p.m. –LOST

After Alex was dragged off to wherever she was dragged off to, Juliet showed up to ask Kate if she wouldn't mind putting a sack on her head and coming with her. Kate, for some reason, refused.

"You think I'm going to put a hood over my head because you said please?" she spat.

"No Kate. I think you're going to put a hood over your head because the man standing behind me, the one who's burning a hole in my back? That man is going to kill Sawyer. But if you put this on, and you come with me, there's something you can do for us that will save his life," Juliet answered, in a way that would make it seem that Sawyer was a Saint or something and killing him would be sacrilegious. Honestly, he doesn't offer much, yet Kate accepted the offer. Stupid Kate. Juliet led her to Jack's fish tank, and there reunion was…weird. Juliet had left to give them some privacy, and they both looked at each other through the glass. They started with the idle chit chat, the "you okay, I'm in a cage" kind of chat.

"They're making us work," Kate said in such an annoyed tone that I was wondering if she would add that she's working in a dress.

"Work? On what?"

"I dunno what it is, but it's big." …No, it isn't. "We're hauling rocks, and..."

"Did they hurt you?" Jack asked. Kate started to cry.

"Jack. You have to do it," she sobbed. Jack glanced at the camera, the one recording everything they were doing. So much for privacy, Juliet. "This thing that they told you, this operation. She said that if you do it that..."

Jack asked her what they did to her. When she continued to cry, he yelled, "How did they get you to ask me?! What did they offer you?!"

"Nothing!"

"THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Jack bellowed. Yeah, Crazy Eyes' patience for the always useless Kate has finally run thin. If he gets off this island himself, well, yippee for him. He won't, though. Damn integrity. Kate continued to sob and babble as Jack began pacing around his tank.

"I'm so sorry! But she said that if you do it, and you do it soon, they'll let us go!"

At this point, Crazy Eyes terrified me by getting really close to the glass and bitterly hissing, _"And you believe them?" _Chills. Just thinking about it. Kate murmured that she _has _to, I mean, Saint Sawyer's life is on the line!

"We're done here," Jack snapped, and shouted it again at the camera to verify it.

11: 16 p.m. –LOST

Kate was dragged off, and I walked around for a bit, catching Eko's funeral, where Desmond was barely keeping his stuff together. Honestly. And Locke isn't that great of a eugoogalizer either, since he stopped in the middle of his speech to stare at Eko's Jesus stick. Causing us all to look at him for a second and then tilt our own heads at that particular angle, because we all thought that Locke was bowing his head in respect to Eko in some strange fashion. But instead, Locke nicked the Jesus Stick. I was walking in the hallway outside the Jack Tank, where I spotted the open door to the surveillance room. Ben was staring at the monitors, one in particular, of the zooniverse. It appears that Kate had gotten into Sawyer's cage, and they were now engaging in…hot jungle love. Which is disgusting for so many reasons. First of all, why would ANYONE want to have sex when they've crashed on a deserted island, haven't bathed for two months, have been kept in a cage and worked to death every day, along with all the other circumstances on this island which I think any SANE person would regard as turn-OFFS. And besides, Sawyer? We know his record! It's far from clean, if you get my meaning! But the most unpleasant thing about the whole business was that Ben's bugging eyes would stare at the screen a few seconds, and then he would write something down in a notebook. He was taking NOTES, for Gandalf's sake! I rushed over to Jack's tank and tried not to gag too loudly, but the intercom went off and he woke up anyway.

"…Try…the door," a voice said. He walked over to the door and opened it. Which makes you wonder how long that thing's been unlocked. He walked outside and found the surveillance room, which was now empty. …I didn't even WANT to know where Ben had gone or what he was doing. Jack didn't seem too interested in the monitors, since he passed them up and went straight for the ammunition closet in the corner. Why they would have this in this particular spot, I'm not sure. He picked up a pistol, checked if it was loaded, and walked back out, where he now noticed the zooniverse screen, looking devastated.

"If it helps," Benry said, showing up out of nowhere, "I was surprised too." Jack turned around and pointed the gun at his face, glaring as if to say, _It DOESN'T help. _"If I were a betting man, I would've picked her and you."

Please, we don't even WANT to go there. Jack had the same idea. "Shut up," he growled.

"Well. I suppose this would be the proverbial nail in my coffin, wouldn't it?" said Benry, whatever that's supposed to even mean.

"Tomorrow," Jack grumbled. "Tomorrow morning. First thing. And everything I mentioned before. The instruments. The anesthesia. And someone who can hold a damn clamp." That last one might be more of a problem than anything else. "I'll get it out, your tumor. And I'll keep you alive. But I need your word. I need what you promised me before. I need to get the hell off this island."

DAY SEVENTY-TWO:  
12:04 p.m. –LOST

Jack was getting ready for the surgery as he scrubbed up with Juliet at his side.

"This is going to be a very tricky procedure," he said, not looking at her. "If I tell you to do something I need you to do it then and there, no questions asked."

"You may find this very hard to believe, but I've always been very good at just following orders," Juliet replied. You know, I do find that hard to believe. I think Juliet deserves a good punch in the face. They both entered the operating room, where Ben was lying face down on the table, and his back resembled a disgusting pale, dead fish. Ben asked Jack if he got nervous before performing surgeries, and that's just what I would want to ask my surgeon just before he sinks a scalpel into my back.

"Whatever happens, everything will be very different, won't it?" Ben asked.

"No doubt about it," Jack sighed. The anesthesia started to kick in and pretty soon Ben was out. The whole procedure was kind of gross, but I couldn't take my eyes off it. At some point, Juliet was preoccupied and the other Other with them had his back turned, and Jack sliced the dead fish back. The heart monitor immediately started to beep faster.

"What happened? Is he okay?" Juliet asked.

"His blood pressure's dropping," said the other Other. "He shouldn't be bleeding like that!"

"Nope, no, he shouldn't," Jack responded, and then punched him in the face, sending him crashing to the ground. He didn't get back up. Jack pointed the scalpel at Juliet and barked at her to step away from the table. The only person in the observation room was Mr. Friendly, who looked bewildered and confused. Jack yelled if Tom could hear him, and Tom verified it. "Good. I just made a small incision in Ben's kidney sac. Now, if I don't stitch that back up in the next hour, he's dead. Now get in here, and bring that walkie-talkie!"

This moment would've been SO kick ass if "walkie-talkie" wasn't such a wimpy word. Either way, this was thrilling. I pranced around the Other on the floor in excitement. With Jack's watchful eye over him, Tom barked into the walkie, "You there? Pick it up. Pick it up, Danny. Pick it up, dammit!"

"I'm here, WHAT?!" Prickett yelled in response.

"Are you anywhere near the cages?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Give your walkie to Kate." Prickett asked why the hell he should do such a thing. "Because if you don't, the doctor's gonna let Ben die! Just hand her the damn walkie, Danny! Do it. Just do it now!"

There was that noise you hear when you pass a phone around, one that can only be described as putting the phone into a pillowcase and shaking it violently. Kate's hysterical voice caused some feedback as she screeched Jack's name.

"Kate? You have about an hour head start before they come after you," Jack said. Kate asked him where he was. Ignoring her, Jack asked, "You remember what I told you on the beach? The day of the crash. You remember what story I told you when you were stitching me up? DO YOU REMEMBER IT?!"

All I remember is Kate saying that she made the curtains in her apartment, and to be honest, she's just as dumb and useless now as she was then. Kate sobbed that she remembered.

"When you get safe, you radio me, and you tell that story. If I don't get a call from you in the next hour, I'm going to know something went wrong, and," he looked at Mr. Tom Friendly at this point, "HE DIES!"

"I can't leave without you!" Kate wailed.

"Yes, you are. Go!"

"Jack! I can't!"

"Go, now!"

"BITCH!" I screeched, stomping on the Other, forgetting that I was supposed to be hiding. This was too much too take. "GOOOOO!"

Everyone looked around for a second, and I dashed into the corner of the room, ready to dive into a lamp if it came to desperate measures. Kate kept on crying that she couldn't leave.

"KATE, DAMN IT! RUN!"

A/N: So sorry about this being so late. I really enjoyed my holiday, though, and hope you enjoyed yours. I was busy writing the best stories in my writing class (not bragging, I AM awesome), working on scripts, films, and getting covered in chocolate syrup.


	7. Not In Portland

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Well, LOST is back. The only thing I really like about this episode was that it had the guy from _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_. I don't know what his name is, but he plays the douche bag. Well, they're all douche bags on that show, but he's the really obnoxious one. I love _It's Always Sunny_. My favorite episode was when they all had to do community service, and Charlie was the ref for the basketball game and he started playing with the kids, but he was drunk. You guys remember that? …Oh. Right.

the LOST diaries: pt. 7

DAY SEVENTY-TWO:  
2:08 p.m. –LOST

"KATE, DAMN IT, RUN!"

Juliet was off in her own flashback. Jack was screaming into the walkie-talkie. Tom was staring at the two of them incredulously. The other Other that was unconscious just a second ago was suddenly back on his feet.

"Juliet, stop the bleeding and stitch him up," Tom ordered.

"She's not a surgeon; she can't fix this," Jack snapped. To this, Juliet simply shrugged her shoulders, proving her incompetence with a scalpel.

"Then what the hell do you suggest we do?" Tom asked. Juliet, with a sudden authority, turned to the other Other, who was mysteriously fine despite all the injuries I must've inflicted on his organs and told him to get Danny and bring Kate and Sawyer back.

"No, you do that and Ben dies," Jack spat. "You think I'm lying? You think this is a bluff? I will let him die."

"No, Jack, you won't," Juliet said with that annoyingly snobbish attitude of hers. Nodding toward the indestructable Other, she said, "Go, get them back. If you have to, kill them. You haven't thought this through, Jack. Your plan's not going to work."

Judging by the look on Jack's face, he was beginning to realize this. And, not to mention that his plans rarely worked or made little sense. "Yeah? Why's that?" he asked defiantly.

"Your friends aren't going to make it back to your side of the island because we're not on that island. We're on a smaller island two miles offshore." This…was news. Not my problem, though. Jack looked crushed. "So why don't we see if we can come up with some kind of peaceful resolution?"

"A peaceful resolution?" Jack asked. "Is that what you call asking me to kill Ben while on the operating table? Make it look like an accident?"

Juliet looked at Tom and said in a completely unconvincing voice, "That's ridiculous."

"She wants Ben to die. She said if I did it that she would protect me," Jack said, eager to tell on Juliet. The two of them were bickering like schoolchildren.

"Tom! He's lying! I don't know what you're trying to do, Jack, but..."

"ENOUGH!" Tom barked. "Juliet, get out. You said you can't stitch him up -- then you don't need to be in here. Go Julie."

"Don't let him fool you," she sneered as she walked out. "He'll never let a patient just die."

This was getting boring. I wondered where Kate and Sawyer were…

"Jack, are you there?" Kate said into the walkie-talkie. She and Sawyer were on the beach, staring at the island that I guess was the one I called home.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Tell him I said hi," Sawyer said. " Get to the point!"

"We need a boat. We need some way to get off this island."

Suddenly, shots were being fired. I just calmly walked into the jungle. EVERYTIME I go out with these two, there's always shots being fired! Sawyer and Kate came running into the jungle as well and hid behind some trees as Sawyer fired the last of his bullets at the Others. Nice job, man. A very nasty pirate looking Other suddenly appeared next to Sawyer, but thank Gandalf for Amazon Alex. I guess her reputation with a slingshot is feared for a reason. She hissed for them to follow her and hid them in some camouflaged underground hiding spot just as Prickett and his buddies came into view. I made the mating call of a yak and distracted them to go another way.

"This a hobby of yours, Underdog -- digging holes?" Sawyer asked when the coast was clear and it was okay for them to get out. "Happen to have a tunnel to the mainland?"

"No, but I've got a boat," Alex answered. Kate asked if they could use it and Alex agreed.

Sawyer, always the suspicious one, said, "Hold on a second, sister. You just happen to find us in the woods? You just happen to have a boat, and you're going to let us use it, huh?"

"There's something we need to do first," Alex said as Sawyer rolled his eyes, lifting his hands to the buttons of his shirt. "My boyfriend is being held prisoner. If you help me rescue him, I promise you I'll get you back to the other island."

Sawyer's hands fell to his sides, and he looked slightly disappointed. Then a revelation dawned on him. "Your boyfriend -- his name happen to be Karl?"

5:15 p.m. –LOST

I stopped by the OR, where Ben had apparently regained consciousness, and his creepiness along with it. He asked to see Juliet in private, and Jack and Tom were standing in the observation room, where there was nothing to hear except awkward silence.

"I'm Tom, by the way," Mr. Friendly said. Jack said nothing, just gave him a look. Juliet seemed to be losing it as she put her head in her hands. "They've got history." Juliet stood up, and I expected Tom to add something like, "Those scrubs do NOT flatter her rear in ANY way."

As Juliet approached the operating room, Jack eagerly opened the door. "I would like you to go back in there, put Ben under, and finish the surgery," she said.

"And why would I want to do that?" Jack asked.

"Because I'm going to go help your friends escape."

Speaking of friends, they were off with Alex, hiding in the bushes outside a building that was being guarded by someone who looked oddly familiar. Just couldn't put my finger on it. He was a blundering sort of chap, as proved when he scrambled to his feet and practically juggled his rifle in aiming it at Alex when she came over with Kate and Sawyer at gun point. ""They must have gotten out of their cages. I caught them in the jungle. Now open up, Aldo!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Just stop! Alex, you're not supposed to be here. If your dad finds out, he's going to kill me," Aldo said.

"My dad was the one who told me to bring them here -- to you. Look, maybe you should call him. I'm sure he's got nothing better to do."

And Aldo did just that. "Danny, I need Ben," Aldo said into the walkie-talkie. "Listen, I've got Alex here. She's got Austen and Ford with her."

Suddenly, Sawyer tackled Aldo to the ground as Prickett yelled something on the walkie-talkie.

"Don't get mad at me just because you were dumb enough to fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag." Good GANDALF, Sawyer's an annoying Star Wars aficionado, isn't he? And I thought I was bad. Alex demanded to know where Karl was, and when Aldo played stupid, Kate threatened to shoot him in the knee.

"Give me the damn rifle," she said. "We don't have time for this. I'll do it."

Aldo continued to make frightened, spluttered words and phrases. "Alright! He's at the end of the hall, room 23. Keys are in my back pocket." Kate knocked him out with the rifle.

"Guess it's not always sunny in Philadelphia, is it?" I said.

"That doesn't even make sense," Sawyer told my seemingly disembodied voice.

"Well, it's better than _Wookies_, innit?"

We went inside to room 23, where we found Karl, strapped to a chair wearing these weird magnifying glasses and IV in his nose, being forced to watch some weird subliminal brainwash Leary trip going about. Sawyer, of course, stopped to stare at this techno _Clockwork Orange _mess. I hope this gives him problems later. After shaking him out of it, he picked up Karl and we carried him outside. Little Monkey Boy was absolutely out of it. Alex was getting all emotional over him, which was my cue to leave to check up on Ben's surgery. Tom was beside Jack, and his face matched his green scrubs.

"You okay?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I just don't like blood too much."

Jack picked out a big chunk of Ben tissue. "Well, then you probably won't want to be looking at that. So, if you really can get off the island why didn't you just take him to a facility? Why all this?"

"Because ever since the sky turned purple-" A fountain of blood squirted from Ben's back and the heart monitor started to beep rapidly. "What the hell happened?!"

"I just nicked an artery."

"Isn't that what you already did?"

"Yeah, well, that was on purpose." Nice job, Jack. We thought you were a professional.

"What happened? Is he...?" Tom asked.

"I can't see. There's too much blood. Alright, get over here," Jack said. Tom just looked at him funny, causing his temper to rise. "Tom, he's going to die if you don't get over here right now." Tom was given the oh-so-jolly job of "sucking the blood through a suction tube". I wonder what field you're supposed to practice in for this. "Hold it steady, damn it. Hold it steady…"

Kate's voice crackled on the walkie-talkie, which had been placed on a shelf behind them. "Jack, are you there?" Jack instructed Tom to hold the walkie up to him.

"What about the surgery?"

"JUST DO IT!" My, my. Look who's got his panties in a bunch when working on an operating table. "Yeah, I'm here, Kate. You okay?"

"Yeah, I -- we've got a boat. They're letting us go."

"Who's letting you go?"

"The blond woman."

"So you're safe -- you and Sawyer? Tell me. The first day on the beach -- the day of the crash -- the story that I told you. If you're safe, tell me."

"You think this is the best time, doctor?" Tom asked.

"SHUT UP!"

Kate wasn't in any better state either. You could barely understand her through her sobs. "You were doing surgery on a girl and you messed up. You made a mistake. You tore something on her back and all the nerves came loose. And you said you were so afraid. And you said the fear was so real. And you didn't know what to do, so you counted to five. And then you weren't afraid anymore. And then it was just gone. And you fixed her. You saved her."

"I need you to make me a promise, Kate. Promise me that you'll never come back here for me. Don't come back, Kate." PLEASE, don't come back. He ordered Tom to turn the walkie off.

7:16 p.m. –LOST

After the surgery, Jack was standing in the observation room when Juliet walked in and asked if he was able to remove the tumor.

"Yeah. You'll want to do a biopsy -- see if it's malignant. So what now? I just go back to my cell?" Jack asked.

"Until they figure out what to do with you."

"'They'. …What did he say? Ben. What did he say that made you want to save his life?"

"It doesn't really matter what he said."

"It matters to me. After everything that I have been put through, you owe me an answer. I want to know what he said." Juliet took her time in flashbacking before answering. She stared into space and Jack coughed several times before she seemed to come back to Earth. "I want to know what he said," he repeated.

"I've been on this island for 3 years, Jack. 3 years, 2 months, and 28 days. He said that if I let him live and I helped you -- that he would finally let me go home."

Home… I miss my mates back at camp!

A/N: UGH. …I hate this whole revealing why they named the episode what it was until the very end of the show. I kept expecting for someone to streak through a pet shop or something. You can't do that in Portland, right?


	8. Flashes Before Your Eyes

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Ironic, that for the last few weeks have been devoted to studying LSD, and this episode definitely seemed drug-induced. It also seemed to have some Matrix themes as well, and that's my next project. It's like they KNOW, man.

the LOST diaries: pt. 8

DAY SEVENTY-THREE:  
11: 23 a.m. –LOST

This morning I dashed over to the camp. I had had enough of proceedings at the zooniverse and the Alcatraz Island and was all for rooting through Sawyer's porn stash along with Charlie and Hurley. Hurley was a little reluctant about the whole business, but I found Sawyer's cigarettes and was having a ball flipping through some generic boobie book by the name of _Playpen. _Desmond suddenly appeared, asking if we could come with him. We followed him into the jungle, where we met Locke and Sayid.

"Eko's dead," Locke said. "The island killed him." ...Uh…

"What do you mean, 'the island killed him'?" Charlie asked.

"You know what it means." Means you're going crazy again, John. Well, not again. You never stopped. "With the doctor gone, the camp's on edge enough without people having to worry about what's out here in the jungle. They're going to look to you two to see how to react."

I coughed, but was ignored. Hurley, I get it, is the big fat funny guy that everyone loves. But Charlie? Do we not have a Charlie alert anymore? Oh right, no one hates him anymore because he lost his hearing for ten minutes after the hatch implosion. Because that makes sense. Desmond started looking around, like there was an invisible fly buzzing by him.

"Hey, guys?" Hurley asked. "What's wrong with Desmond?"

Desmond suddenly bolted through the jungle and back to the beach. We followed him and saw him go _Baywatch _as he ran down to the shore and rip off his shirt. The ripping off of the shoes was far less graceful, but he made it into the water where a head was bobbing amongst the waves. Well, I'm glad he's out there instead of me. I have this tremendous fear of waves. Charlie spotted Sun, walking to see what the fuss was about and holding Aaron in her arms.

"Where's Claire?" he asked. Sun began explaining that Claire had gone for a walk, which surely meant that it was her in the water, and literally skipped to meet up with Desmond, who by this point was already carrying Claire back. As if Charlie would've been much help. He then dumped her on the sand and started to give her CPR with Charlie hopping around like a crack bunny, saying Claire's name every few seconds. Claire coughed up some water and Desmond asked her if she was alright.

"Charlie's here!" Charlie barked, but Desmond pushed him away and lifted Claire up. As he walked off, Charlie yelled after him how he knew she was drowning. I was too busy staring at Desmond to hear Hurley's reply about seeing the future.

"Hey guys," I said. "Look at Desmond's butt. Honestly, he's swinging his stuff for the red light district."

We all stared at him for a second, exchanged glances, and burst out laughing. Gandalf, did I miss this.

10: 42 p.m. –LOST

"I don't buy this precognitive insanity rubbish. Look, if the bearded wonder could predict the future he wouldn't have ended up here, would he?" Charlie asked as he headed towards Sawyer's tent. "Well, whatever happened to him -- we're going to have to find out what it is."

"You do realize he's going to know your plan before you even come up with it, dude," Hurley said.

"You do realize you don't have the mental capacity to come up with an efficient plan," I added.

"In that case," Charlie said, pulling out a bottle of whiskey. "We're going to have to get him really bloody drunk."

We headed over to where Desmond was rummaging through a pile of wood, tossing in twigs half-heartedly and looking a bit miserable. Charlie explained that he was a bit rude this morning and not in this least bit grateful, so he was offering this fine bottle of whiskey as a peace offering.

"Thanks, but no. I've spent a wee bit too much time drunk as of late," Desmond shrugged.

"This'll be good for us, brother," Charlie said.

"We like you drunk," I added. He shook his head, and we decided to take our drink elsewhere. Just as I was reaching for the bottle…

"What kind of whiskey is that?" Desmond asked.

"It's, uh -- it just says MacCutcheon."

Desmond started laughing hysterically, that weird maniac laugh of his. "Alright then, let's have it. No, the bottle, brother." Of course. "I mean, if you've come to drink, let's drink."

A few hours later, we were all sitting around the camp fire, singing. Well, Charlie and Desmond were, and Hurley and I were making noises that went along with the tune.

"Hey, do you know any songs about drinking and fighting and girls with one leg?" Hurley asked.

Charlie said, "Well, girls with," and Desmond joined in here, "one leg and a heart of gold." They started to laugh, not starting to sing it or anything. Because I really would've loved to hear that song. "So, Desi, let me ask you something," Charlie said, suddenly more sober. "How'd you know Claire was drowning?"

Desmond gave the stupid excuse that he heard her calling her help. We all knew she didn't, she wasn't even conscious when he got to her, and no one else noticed she was there or they would've been the ones calling for help.

"You hear the lightning, as well?" Charlie asked, getting all obnoxious now.

"Excuse me?"

"The lightning. Just by chance you pitch your little rod outside Claire's tent -- two hours later lightning strikes." Desmond started to leave. "Hey, I don't know what you're doing -- you best tell us. Oy! You think because you turned some key that makes you a hero? You're no hero, brother. I don't know how you're doing what it is you're doing, but I know a coward when I see one."

Desmond stopped, turned around, and came rushing over to Charlie. He had knocked him down and was strangling him, and neither myself nor Hurley bothered to intervene. This weekly Charlie beat-down is like the Pay-Per-View, man. "You don't want to know what happened to me when I turned that key!" Desmond cried.

Charlie was grabbing for Hurley, but Hurley just stared at him with his bloodshot eyes and wailed, "Dude!"

"Get him off!"

"You don't want to know!!" Desmond continued to scream this over and over, and I heard the familiar flashback _WHOOSH_. I staggered over and poked Desmond several times, but to no avail.

"Des, you're killing Charlie!" I said. I stared at his shaggy head. I wonder…

"Des, you've got red on you." I stood before Desmond, who was on the floor staring blankly at his flat ceiling and lying in a puddle of red paint. Penny came running with a pack of ice. I like Penny. If anyone can handle this guy, it's Penny. I tip my hat to her. Desmond stared at her, dazed and confused and asked her what was happening.

"Well, what's happening is the result of combining ladders, painting a ceiling, and alcohol," Penny answered, cradling his head.

Desmond sat up. "This is my flat?"

"Mmm-hmm, although, if you want me to feel at home you might start calling it our flat. How many fingers, Des? Love, look at me. What's wrong?"

Desmond shook off his look of absolute terror and kissed her. "Absolutely nothing," he answered. I gave him a thumbs-up as he rested his head on her shoulder. His eyes got wide again. Uh oh. I blinked, and it was suddenly the next morning. Desmond was strangling himself with a tie and getting ready for a job interview with Penny's dad. Well, we all know how this ends up, don't we? I began to give myself a tour of Desmond's "rat-trap" of apartment, even though I thought it was pretty snazzy, and jumped at the sound of the Hatch's alarm beep. Desmond came running in, and we both stared at the source. A microwave. Either someone's recycling sound effects, or that was intentional. I blinked again and we were in an office building, where Desmond was asking to see Mr. Widmore for an appointment. Blink again, and we're in the room! Why can't life on the island move this fast? This was awesome. I blinked again, and a hot dog from Times Square appeared in my hand. Mmm, genuine mystery meat.

Desmond was looking at the bizarre scribble of a painting on the wall as Penny's Dad scanned his résumé. He kept belittling Desmond, criticizing him from not graduating college and having no military service. Desmond coughed and noticed a model of a boat.

"She's beautiful -- your boat," he stammered.

Not looking up, Widmore said, "My foundation is sponsoring a solo race around the world."

A few flashes of nonsense clouded Desmond's mind, he was obviously freaking out. Which is great when you're on a job interview with your girlfriend's father. Widmore probably thought he was having flashbacks, but of another kind.

"Well, Desmond," Widmore said. "I'm going to see to it that you have a position in our administrative department. Not the most glamorous duty but it's a start. I'll speak to human resources."

Hey, he got a job! Sweet! I was damn sure Desmond needed a job as well. Administrative department sucks, but hey. Money in the bank.

"With all due respect, sir, I haven't come here to interview for a position in your company." No, Desmond! Take the money and run! Or take the job and head to the crappy administrative department! "I came here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. We've been together two years now and Pen's moving in and I love her. Your permission would mean everything to me."

"I'm impressed, Hume -- a very noble gesture." He walked to his office liquor cabinet, because that belongs here, and pulled out two glasses and a whiskey bottle. Hey, MacCutcheon's. "You know anything about whiskey?"

I could immediately imagine the look on my grade school boyfriend's face if one of my brothers asked him that, and feared Desmond's answer.

"No, I'm afraid not, sir." Good boy. Isn't scotch his poison?

Widmore went on this whole tirade about how it was named after some Admiral, blah, blah, blah. "Admiral MacCutcheon was a great man, Hume. This was his crowning achievement." He poured some into one glass. "This swallow is worth more than you could make in a month. To share it with you would be a waste, and a disgrace to the great man who made it -- because you, Hume, will never be a great man."

Ooh! Burn! Desmond was speechless. If it were me, I'd pull out my trusty flask and say that I'll be the greatest man that ever lived. Then I'd rip that stupid scribble off the wall and yell, "I said, 'Good day'!"

"I'm not…" Desmond began, but was cut off.

"What you're not, is worthy of drinking my whiskey. How could you ever be worthy of my daughter?"

I blinked, and we were outside, where Desmond was trying to rip off his tie and throw it on the ground. He was strangling himself in the process, and looking all the more stupid. There was this horrendous noise of someone playing "Wonderwall" in the street, and we walked to where a crowd of people were for some reason watching this guy instead of chucking stuff at him. I stared at a clean looking Charlie, mutilating the tune with his singing and playing his guitar held really high. Dude, you're not in the Beatles. All the cool kids play it LOW, man. If he was holding it any higher he'd be playing it with his nose.

"How do I know you?" Desmond asked. "Where do I know you from?"

"Look, I don't know, but I'll remember if I could get some help," Charlie said, gesturing to his guitar case. I can't imagine why anyone would do this for a living. Desmond got that distant look in his eye and he had another trip.

"You're Charlie." There was another trip, and he started blathering now. "Who -- they -- they. It -- it was in the hatch. I remember seeing you. There was a -- there was a computer. There was a button. We -- we were on an island."

"We are on an island, mate. This is England." It seems like that's the only geographic information that stuck with Charlie from school.

"No, it was real, man. I remember."

Charlie looked at the waning crowd and called, "This is why we don't do drugs."

"No this -- I remember this. This all happened before. Today -- th -- th -- this happened today. This -- I remember that he said I wasn't worthy -- and then I -- and then I -- and then I came down and I -- and I took off my tie and I -- and then I lost my tie and Penny said where was it and then it started to rain and..." I noticed that Desmond's accent was getting funny as he went on and on here.

It began to rain, and everyone started to run off. Penny wasn't around to ask where his tie was, and with another blink we were in a university, talking to some professor looking guy.

"I need to ask you something," Desmond asked. "What do you know about time travel?"

We were suddenly in a pub. Eh, suits me. "Are you bloody insane?" Professor Desmond's friend said.

"Just tell me if it's possible."

"Which part? The island full of mysterious hatches? Or the computer which keeps the world from ending?"

"As a physicist -- is it possible that I've somehow managed to go back in time and I'm now living my life over again?" Professor started to laugh, perhaps in remembrance of a scene from Groundhog Day. "It's not funny, Donovan."

"Penny's father berates you for not being a great man, and voila, you've dreamed a future where you push a button to save the world."

"These things are not in my head, brother. I remember things." Donavan asked him what was supposed to happen next, and just as Desmond was explaining that he didn't know, "Make Your Own Kind of Music" started playing on the jukebox. "Wait, I remember this. I know this song. The jukebox..."

"Des, you're worrying me now."

He rambled on about a football game on TV that would have Graybridge scoring two goals in the last two minutes. He also said that a guy named Jimmy Lennon was going to "hit the bartender right in the head with a cricket bat because he owes him money", and all I was interested in was knowing what kind of business this bartender was in. "Watch, please! Just watch," he said as we looked at the TV. "They'll score the first goal right now." No one scored. Desmond was growing frantic. "No, no, they came back. They won. Jimmy Lennon…" Two women came through the door. "Cricket bat…"

At this point he was just saying random words. Donovan sighed and said, "There's no such thing as time travel, Des. From what I understand true love can be just as unlikely. So, if you love Penny, stop messing about and marry her."

We were back in the Rat-Trap, where a sleeping Penny was…sleeping. She woke up and asked how the job interview went. As if the answer wasn't obvious after saying he reeked of the pub.

"Well, I say we celebrate. I say we celebrate that fate has spared you a miserable existence under the employ of Widmore Industries. Let me take you out tomorrow. Let's go for lobsters on the pier. My treat," Penny said.

"Ooh, I'm up for that!" I said.

"I don't think my failure to impress your father is any occasion to celebrate," Desmond said.

"Come on, Des! Lobster!"

"Well, the occasion is I love you."

"Lobster for the lovebirds!

'Why? Why do you love me?"

"Because you're a good man. In my experience they're pretty hard to come by."

"She's right, and so is good lobster. Are we going out tonight?"

We were in a jewelry thrift store or something. "So bored!" I moaned, throwing myself on one of the counters. "No lobster!"

"Never done this before have you?" the old woman behind the counter asked. I fell off the counter. "I can always tell the first timers. Well, then, may I ask your price range?"

"I'm not a man of means..."

"He has no job." She couldn't hear me or see me, no one but Desmond could. And he was programmed for this already, he's lived it.

"I hope to -- one day..."

"I have just the thing," the woman said, taking out a quaint little band with a single diamond on it. "This won't blind any queens, to be sure, but still has the sparkle of life."

"I'll take it," Desmond said. The woman seemed surprised. "It's perfect. I'll take it."

"No you won't," the woman suddenly snapped. "Give me the ring. Give it here."

"I don't understand," Desmond stammered.

"Hey, there's a guy with chestnuts outside," I said.

"This is wrong. You don't buy the ring. You have second thoughts; you walk right out that door. So, come on, let's have it," she snapped. "You don't buy the ring, Desmond."

Desmond was reasonably confused and afraid. "How do you know my name?"

"Well, I know your name as well as I know that you that don't ask Penny to marry you. In fact, you break her heart. Well, breaking her heart is, of course, what drives you in a few short years from now to enter that sailing race -- to prove her father wrong -- which brings you to the island where you spend the next three years of your life entering numbers into the computer until you are forced to turn that failsafe key. And if you don't do those things, Desmond David Hume, every single one of us is dead. So give me that sodding ring." Desmond just stared. "Oh, you're going to be difficult about this, I see."

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Do you like chestnuts?" the woman suddenly asked.

We were outside, and the woman had just purchased a bag of chestnuts. She made an observation about a guy wearing Bitchin new red Converse sneaks with his suit. Desmond had come up with the theory that not of this was happening. He had a concussion, and this crazy old woman was his subconscious. Which, I dunno, would creep me out a little more than actually meeting this woman.

"You're here to talk me out of marrying Penny," he said. "Well, it won't bloody work."

"Oh, yes it will."

"No, there is no island. There is no button. It's madness. I love her. She loves me. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her."

There was a loud crash behind us and we saw rubble, scaffolding, and a pair of Bitchin new red Converse sneaks sticking out. "I call the boots," I said.

Desmond was horrified. "Oh, my God. You knew that was going to happen, didn't you? Then why didn't you stop it? Why didn't you do anything?"

"Because it wouldn't matter. Had I warned him about the scaffolding, tomorrow he'd be hit by a taxi. If I warned him about the taxi, he'd fall in the shower and break his neck. The universe, unfortunately, has a way of course correcting. That man was supposed to die."

"Yeah, and he was the wicked witch of the east, apparently," I added.

"That was his path just as it's your path to go to the island. You don't do it because you choose to, Desmond. You do it because you're supposed to."

Desmond said that he was going to meet Penny and that she'd marry him and they'd live happily ever after. When the Oracle tried to dissuade him, he just asked how much the ring was. She walked off. Sweet, Des, free ring. We walked past an army recruiting center, and I faintly wondered when he gets arrested and for what. Maybe for killing the Oracle. We stood by the Thames and waited for Penny, and a photographer who from a distance looked a little like Charlie's brother started to bug them about taking their picture. After saying it would be "something to show the grandkids", Penny gave in and the Liam photographer started to pull down backdrops. After five minutes of deciding whether to take the picture in the desert, the Alps, or space, the photographer pulled down the marina scene, which is the backdrop for his picture he always carried with him in the hatch. After Penny paid for the picture, Desmond walked off with the quickly developed photo. He said he couldn't do this.

"Us. This. This relationship," he said. Penelope asked him what he was talking about. "How can I? I - I can't look after you. I haven't got a job. I don't have any -- I can't even afford 5 quid for a bloody photograph. You deserve someone better."

"I know what I deserve. I chose to be with you. I love you," Penny said. Desmond rambled on.

"It's all happening too soon -- you moving in. You're painting rooms; you're changing things. I don't even like red." Stay in Wonderland, see how deep the rabbit hole goes... "Why would you leave your flat, your expensive flat..."

Penny slapped him. He was losing it. "Don't do that. Don't you pretend you don't care. And don't you dare rewrite history. I left my expensive flat because you were too proud to live there, remember?" She was starting to tear up. "If you want me to go -- if you want me to leave then don't make this about what I do or don't deserve. And have the decency to admit that you're doing this because you're a coward.**"  
**  
After staring at Penny for a long enough time for me to get some awesome chestnuts and come back, Desmond said, "I'm sorry, Pen, but this -- we're not supposed to be together."

We were back at the pub. When the nurse came by and asked us what we were having, Desmond glanced at the MacCutcheon bottle and just asked for a pint of the cheapest, that he was celebrating.

"Oh, what's the occasion?" the bartender asked.

"I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. And the worst part is I'm pretty sure I've made it before."

I'm sure he gets a lot of those. "That's what they call deja vu, mate."

An all too familiar tune started to play on the jukebox. "Nobody can tell ya… There's only one song worth singing!" I sang. "Gandalf, I really hate this song."

Desmond was staring at the TV, where Graybridge were playing again. "I had the wrong night. I was right. I was off by a night. I heard the song and then -- I remember this. I'm not crazy. I can still change things. I can still change it!" he said excitedly.

Big Jimmy Lennon came through the door with his cricket bat, right on cue. "Where the hell's my money?"

Desmond warned the nurse to duck, and Jimmy bashed him on the head instead. Just his luck, eh? There was a bunch of flashes and I found myself standing next to Desmond as he strangled Charlie. Hurley finally came to pull him off.

"What the hell are you doing?" Charlie wheezed.

"You can't change it. You can't change it no matter what you try to do. You just can't change it," Desmond muttered.

Hurley twirled his finger around his ear. Which, come to think of it, is an odd gesture for crazy, isn't it? Who the hell came up with that one?

"He's wankered. Let's get him to his tent," Charlie said, and we all grabbed an arm or leg and dragged him to his tent.

"You're a good man, Charlie," Desmond said. "Listen, I'm sorry I tried to strangle you, alright?"

I guess Charlie got over that quick, and why shouldn't he? These sort of things happen all the time. The boy can take a beating. "Desmond, you are going to tell me what happened to you."

Desmond sighed. "When I turned that key my life flashed before my eyes. And then I was back in the jungle and still on this bloody island. But those flashes, Charlie -- those flashes -- they didn't stop."

"So, you're telling me you saw a flash of Claire drowning this morning -- that's how you knew how to save her?"

"I wasn't saving Claire, Charlie, I was saving you. This morning you dove in after Claire. You tried to save her but you drowned."

"What are you talking about? I didn't drown."

"When I saw the lightning hit the roof you were electrocuted. And when you heard Claire was in the water you -- you drowned trying to save her. I dove in myself so you never went in. I've tried, brother. I've tried twice to save you, but the universe has a way of course correcting and -- and I can't stop it forever. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because no matter what I try to do you're going to die, Charlie."

There was this long moment of silence, that was…shock? Come on, we've been trying to kill Charlie for weeks. It's impossible. If he dies, he'll come back. He's the Kenny of the island. And all this time Desmond's been trying to save him. Someone has to give the new guys the memo!

A/N: Funny, how this episode had a similar premise as that show they tried replacing it with in the winter break in the States. Anyone remember that show? Yeah, neither do I.


	9. Stranger In A Strange Land

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**That useless part of the episode where Cindy and the other survivors or whoever they were hanging about Jack's tent was my favorite scene. That part where Jack says, "If you've got something to watch, Cindy, GO WATCH IT!" made me want to update my medieval bird call and get a cell phone and have that as a ring tone.

the LOST diaries: pt. 9

DAY SEVENTY-FOUR:  
11: 04 a.m. –ALCATRAZ ISLAND

I sat in the Tank with Jack this morning. Tom came in, telling Jack that they were "moving" him. Jack thought that this meant they were going to kill him. He's so negative, this Jack.

"Now, why would we kill you?" Tom asked.

"Because you're done with me," Jack answered.

"What kind of people do you think we are, Jack?" Tom acted as if this was completely and utterly ridiculous slander. How _dare_ you, sir?

Jack's been making his list and checking it twice. "Oh, I don't know, Tom -- the kind of people that would take a pregnant woman -- that would hang Charlie from a tree -- would grab our people out of the jungle -- would kidnap children. That's the kind of people I think you are."

Tom walked over to the glass wall and tapped it. "You see this glass house you're living in, Jack? How about I get you some stones?" I instantly associate any mere mention of glass houses with Billy Joel, for some reason.

Jack must've been thinking the same thing, since when two Others came in he didn't seem to take much notice and walked off with them. As he left, Juliet came by, handcuffed and being escorted by an older woman that I'll call "DENCH". No, not "Dench." DENCH! It's one of those names that comes with a royal decree that must be yelled.

3: 08 p.m. –ALCATRAZ ISLAND

Jack was put in the newly renovated zooniverse. When lunchtime came around, Tom folded a cheese and bread sandwich, smashed it, and shoved it through the bars. Jack whined that it wasn't grilled. He then proceeded to ask who that DENCH woman was. Tom told her she was the sheriff.

"You have a sheriff?"

"Not literally, Jack." Meaning… what, exactly? She's not the rootenous tootenous type, you mean? Jack asked why Juliet was being moved to his room. I could see why he was bummed. The Tank had a homey, artificial way about it. And it was air conditioned.

"Let me ask you something," Tom said "You risk your neck to cut them loose, and they run away and don't ever look back..."

"Thanks for the sandwich," Jack said briskly, biting into that horrid cheese ball. A little while later Juliet came, without handcuffs but with two Others.

"They let me out to examine Ben. His vitals are low and he has a fever," she explained. She handed him a photo of a bloody fish. "I took this about 10 minutes ago. It's of his stitches. They're infected aren't they?"

I've never been to medical school and I got the gist. Ugh. Jack confirmed it, and she asked if he would come look at them. He refused.

"I'm not asking you for them, or him. I'm asking you as a personal favor to me."

They started to argue again, blah blah blah… She killed someone, that's why she's in his cell, and she wants him to help. Jack wasn't buying it.

"Well, then, let me simplify it for you," he said. "I'm not going to help him. And I'm not going to help you."

11: 15 p.m. –ALCATRAZ ISLAND

It was late, and Jack was off in Flashback mode. DENCH came by and stared at him through the bars. When he came to, she said something in Chinese and said she was reading his tattoo. She said it was ironic, the tattoo, and Jack got all defensive about it, saying that he knew what it meant and all.

"Alright, then. Jack, my name is Isabel. If you'll come with me, I'd like to talk to you and ask you a few questions."

She brought him to some fluorescent corridor that smelled funny and we passed Alex on the way. She then brought us to some office where Juliet and Tom were waiting, and Juliet was handcuffed to her chair.

"Please, have a seat, Jack," Isabel, but more importantly, DENCH said. "As you may have gathered, we don't live on this little island. In fact, most of us don't really like even coming here. There's been an incident that I'm investigating and I need to ask you some questions. So, I was hoping you might help me clear up a few of the inconsistencies. Now correct me if I'm wrong, Tom, but you said that in the midst of a surgical procedure Jack made several comments indicating that Juliet had asked him to kill Ben."

"Yeah, that's right," Tom said.

"That true, Jack? Did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?"

"No. No, I was lying," Jack said, obviously lying right now. "I would have done anything to get my friends out. And turning you people against each other was my best chance of creating chaos." Idiot. DENCH wasn't fooled and asked why he was lying for Juliet.

And Jack really emphasized that he had no idea about what he was doing now when he responded with, "I'd like to go back to my cage now."

DAY SEVENTY-FIVE:  
2: 16 p.m. –ALCATRAZ ISLAND

And back to his cage he went. When he was sleeping, I think a tour bus broke down not too far off, since a bunch of people started walking around. They had come to see all the animals in the zooniverse. Or Jack. Someone started throwing food in the cage, even though the signs clearly say NOT to, and Jack woke up a bit miffed. Everyone backed up as if he was contagious and he started to yell at them. He's not a morning person at all.

Cindy, the former Oceanic 815 flight attendant, approached the cage. They exchanged the usual formalities, and then Jack asked what the hell she was doing there.

"I thought you were taken -- you were -- you were captured."

Cindy can still work that robot Stepford wife stewardess face. "They're not, um -- it's not that simple."

Jack was freaking out. "What are they doing here, right now? What are you doing here?!!"

"We're here to watch, Jack." A little girl that I recognized from the Misplaced team approached Cindy and whispered something in her ear. She smiled and said, "She wants to know how Ana-Lucia's doing."

Jack and I both got our AWKWARD! faces on, and I was curious if he'd use that charming bedside manner of his. To avoid putting this girl in tears, he just asked, "Are you serious?" Cindy was confused. "If you've got something to watch, Cindy, GO WATCH IT!"

They all shuffled off, grumbling how boring this show was. A few hours later Alex came by and chucked a rock at the cameras so she could talk to Jack in private. I assume the mics were still rigged, but I don't think anyone but Ben hangs out in the surveillance room anyway.

"I want to ask you something. They're not watching anymore so you can tell me the truth," Alex said. "Ben -- why'd you save his life? All this time -- after all he did to you and your people you should hate him. But you still fixed him up, even after your friends got away. Why?" Jack observed that she must be Ben's daughter. I mean, you can see the family resemblance, right? "Answer the question," Alex snapped.

"I'll answer your question if you answer one of mine. Where's Juliet?"

"She's with the rest of them. They're going to read her verdict. And we all know what it's going to be. We're pretty strict about killing one of our own. Eye for an eye."

"Who did she kill?"

"The man who was going to murder your friends. No wonder you're so worried about her. If it wasn't for you she never would have done it. That was three questions. Your turn, Jack."

"I saved your father because I said I would." He always keeps his promises. As Alex started to walk off, Jack asked if Ben was still in charge, and whether DENCH would follow his orders. Alex answered both of these questions with a yes. "Get me out of this cage," Jack said. He really played this "man on a mission" thing. He hummed "Eye of the Tiger" as he jogged next to Alex the entire trip to the operating room and burst through the doors, yelling, "I wouldn't do that!" just as the inexperienced Other that was knocked out last time was about to inject Ben with an unsteady hand.

Jack walked into the room and said, with his hands on his hips, "I'd be more impressed with you people if you had a good surgeon."

"We had an excellent surgeon, Jack," Ben sighed. "His name was Ethan." After I finished chuckling at that I started to ask myself why the hell Ethan didn't do this operation in the first place. He must've not been as excellent as they thought. I remember him being a plumber. Or was that Goodwin? Eh, who cares.

"You've got a very serious infection, Ben. That infected tissue needs to be reincised, debrided; and you need to be closely monitored from here on out. There might be nerve damage or any number of other complications. You might not walk again," Jack said.

"Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired." Most people get nervous before surgeries. Ben gets sarcastic.

"You need a doctor, Ben -- someone to stay with you -- bring you back to good health."

"And, here we go again. I've already given you a ticket off this island, Jack. What's it going to cost me this time?"

"Right now, your people are in a room deciding whether or not to execute Juliet. You're going to stop it."

Ben was stunned. "Juliet doesn't care about you, Jack. It doesn't matter what she's done. No matter what you think -- she's one of us." I guess he's lost respect for himself. Jack asked if they had a deal, and Ben sighed and asked for something to write on, since his sarcasm had him stuck to the operating table. Jack and Alex rushed to the Others' courtroom. She knocked on the door and Tom answered, asking what the hell Jack was doing there. DENCH appeared by the door and asked what was going on. Alex gave her the note.

"Ben has commuted Juliet's sentence," DENCH read. "Execution is off the table. He says the rules don't apply. He has, however, ordered her to be marked."

The look on everyone's face said, "MARKED? NOOOOO!" Jack got with the program and got that same apprehensive look as he stared at Juliet, who was sitting in the courtroom.

10: 23 p.m. –ALCATRAZ ISLAND

Juliet limped over to the zooniverse to pay Jack a visit later. She also brought a grilled sandwich. I still don't know why Jack is whining about the sandwiches anyway. Did you see their burgers?

"They marked you?" Jack asked. "Let me see it." With some hesitation Juliet turned around and showed him the brand on her back that looked sort of like an upside down flower. Well, if you're going to be positive about this, that's what you might see it as. Otherwise you'd grimace and be like, "Uh… That looks like an asterisk with a long arm!" Jack told her to get him a branch off the aloe plant conveniently placed right next to the cage. Juliet said she was fine, but he insisted.

"Why did you help me?" Juliet asked as he rubbed the aloe on the flower brand.

"He told you he was going to let you go home. He told me the same thing. We're going to make sure he keeps his word."

"And how are we going to do that?"

"Together."

"They'll be coming for you in a few minutes. All of them. Your friends know where we are so we have to leave this island to go back to where live."

"Go where?"

"Well, Ben calls it home."

…If this is another island, then we should've been FOUND by now! THREE islands? Let me guess, it's underground. But an underground island. Like Atlantis. It was dark by the time everyone was on the beach, and Jack was being allowed to ride on the ferry to Atlantis. DENCH appeared behind him and said, "'He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us.' Your tattoos -- that's what they say."

Jack turned to her and chided, "That's what they say. That's not what they mean."

…He doesn't know what they mean.

-Tibby T

A/N: I've noticed the orchestra in the background has totally been rocking these past few episodes. WOO! ARE YOU READY TO LISTEN INTENTLY TO OUR STRING SECTION, LOST FANS? I SAID, "ARE YOU READY?" Review?


	10. Tricia Tanaka Is Dead

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**This was obviously a filler episode, but Cheech Marin was in it (CHEECH!!!) and there was a subtle homage to _Little Miss Sunshine_. Oh, _Little Miss Sunshine_. "I've got Nazi bullets in my ass-" "Dad, not again with the Nazi bullets!"

the LOST diaries: pt. 10

DAY SEVENTY-SIX:  
11: 23 a.m. –LOST

Found Charlie this morning back at camp shaving. His face. Much to my mass disappointment. I'll miss his beard that goes from stubble to Santa beard in a few hours. He was still upset about, you know, the whole dying thing Desmond told him about, and I guess the smartest thing to do after hearing that is shaving your face and neck with a piece of glass you found lying in the sand. Hurley stopped by as well.

"Desmond told me I was going to die," Charlie whined. "He told me has these flashes -- visions, whatever -- and in them I always die. …So this is the part where you tell me it is ridiculous, don't be daft, he's a nutter."

"Stop being a bitch, Charlie," I said. Hurley sighed and said that he was cursed. Death finds him. Death and bad luck find us all. He should watch some of our flashbacks from time to time.

"Vincey! Come here, Vincent!" I called when I saw that familiar golden fur ball trekking through the forest. "Hey Vince, what are you holding? Is that… a gopher?" He dropped what I initially thought was a rodent at my feet. I picked it up. "Oh, it's an arm. …_GAH!_"

Charlie screeched in horror and Hurley asked Vincent where he got the arm. Because there's a pot of gold at the end of this Decayed Zombie Arm rainbow, apparently. Vincent gladly picked up the arm and ran through the jungle with Hurley and me following. At some point, he dropped the arm and Hurley spotted a pair of keys in its clenched fist. We kept walking and discovered an old blue VW turned over in the bushes.

"Dude," Hurley said. It was Grandpa SHIZZ.

Hurley went into flashback mode, and I decided to check out Gramps. Funny, I'm sure we've passed this particular spot dozens of times, and this is the first time we've noticed a van. Maybe it was up in the trees or something. I soon found the owner of the Decayed Zombie Arm, a Decayed And So Far Regular Looking Dead Guy, But We Should Put A Salt Ring Around The Car And Burn His Bones Because I Heard That Works, wearing a DHARMA uniform. His name tag said "Roger".

"Hey, Hurley," I said once he came back to planet LOST. "It's Jolly Roger."

2: 42 p.m. –LOST

Hurley and I went back to camp, screaming about cars and Grandpa SHIZZes. People immediately started to run and scream, afraid that this SHIZZ thing was going to kill them all.

"Is he jogging?" Paulo asked. We all stared at Hurley jiggle his way over.

"Hurley, what is it?" Claire asked.

"Car!" he gasped. "I found a car tipped over in the jungle. And we could totally fix it and get it going again. It's not far, come on."

"Why do we need to start a car?" Paulo asked snidely.

"Why do you always have to shoot us down, man?" I asked.

"Was I talking to you?"

"…I'll shoot you down."

"It'll be fun," Hurley coughed. "We could all use some fun. I mean, after everything's that happened, we need it. So who's with me?!!"

Everyone murmured silly excuses (Paulo had to cut bananas?) and walked off. The only person left standing was Jin.

"Thanks, dude," Hurley said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. Jin gave him a nervous grin. "You have no idea what you volunteered for, do you?"

We headed over to Gramps, where Hurley opened the back door and we stared at the dozen DHARMA Initiative beers. And not only was it crappy DHARMA beer, it also came as Light DHARMA Initiative beer as well. Twice the horrible taste, half the calories. Jin and Hurley decided that first things first, if we want to drive Gramps, we're dropping Jolly Roger off. They pulled him through the door and his head popped off.

"Uh, could you get that, dude?" Hurley asked me.

"You kidding? It could bite my arm off."

"…Okay, we'll get that later."

Jin was all for getting bamboo sticks and trying to prop Gramps up with it. Hurley would've helped him if he had any idea what he was doing. And besides, he was watching me make a beer holder with Roger's arm.

"Imagine if this was a zombie arm. I wouldn't even have to rig it or anything, it'd hold things itself. You could use it to grab things, to scratch your back. I'm sure all we need is a magic ceremony to start it. We'll make millions."

"Hey, where the hell's my stuff?" Sawyer barked as he strutted over to us. He stopped when he saw me holding the arm, Hurley staring at me, and Jin prodding a VW in the middle of the jungle with a stick. "What are you all doing?"

Time slowed down a bit for Hurley to break out with a huge grin and charge at Sawyer. "DUUUUUUUUUUDE! You're ALIIIIIIIIIIVE! ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!" He grabbed Sawyer in a bear hug and picked him up.

"Yeah, yeah, Snuffy," Sawyer said with a choking giggle. "Good to see you, too. I'll be damned, you all found yourselves a hippy car."

"Good see you," Jin said, giving Sawyer a hug as well. Hurley asked about Jack and Kate, and Sawyer explained that Kate was with him, but Jack was still with the Others. Hurley took this way better than expected.

"It's okay. It's going to be alright. Jack's going to be alright. We all are. See, things are getting better. The car, you coming back safely -- it's a sign."

"Yeah, a sign I want my stuff back," Sawyer snapped.

"You're going to help us fix this thing."

"Now why would I do that?"

"Because there's beer." Because warm DHARMA beer is WAY better than MacCutcheon's, any day! Sawyer agreed and immediately went for the beer. I settled myself in the passenger seat and went through the glove compartment. Ironically enough, there were gloves in there. And bitchin' 8-tracks. Hurley sat behind the wheel and put the keys in the ignition.

"Methinks this isn't going to work, Hugo," I said.

"I have hope. This will work."

"Hope. Right. Sawyer, this is where you say something relating to the Wizard of Oz." Sawyer was busy chugging down a beer. "Never mind."

Hurley turned the keys. Nothing happened. He was devastated, and kept asking Jin if he could fix it. "Chill out; let the man do his thing," Sawyer said.

Hurley looked disgusted to see the DHARMA beer in his hand. "Dude, that beer's been sitting there since before Rocky III, maybe even II. It's probably poison by now."

Sawyer tapped Jolly Roger with his beer. "Skeletor seems to like it."

Hurley was appalled. "That's not cool, dude. That guy had a mom, a family, and friends. Oh, and a name. It's Roger Workman."

Sawyer and I exchanged looks, looked at Jolly and back at Hurley. Looking at Jolly's nametag and back at Hurley, I never would've figured he was this illiterate. "It's Work Man, you blockhead," Sawyer snapped. "That's his job. He was a Dharma janitor."

Hurley blushed at his ignorance. "Yeah, well you should still respect the dead."

"…We'll take that into account," I said. Hurley went back to bugging Jin. Sawyer burped and told him to give up.

"What's your problem, man? Why do you don't want this to work?" Hurley snapped.

"I don't care if it works. Why is it so important to you?"

"Because we could all use a little hope."

"If it's hope you're looking for, you're on the wrong damn island. There sure as hell ain't no hope here," Sawyer said, chugging down another beer. That must've been the seven…teenth. Ugh, I know I'm an alcoholic and all, but I think I've got better taste than warm DHARMA beer. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to lick the sweat off the dog.

5: 04 p.m. –LOST

Hurley left to bring Charlie over to this Hope Fest, and when he was gone Sawyer took the time to give Jin some valuable lessons in learning English.

"I'm sorry," Sawyer said.

"I'm sorry," Jin repeated.

"Okay, nice. Keep it coming."

"You were right."

"Okay. That's two. Hit me."

"Those pants don't make you look fat."

"Now you got it -- only 3 things a woman needs to hear," Sawyer smirked. Well, that last one… Okay, he's got a point.

"Sawyer, when do we tell him about his wife taking his hard earned cash and spending it on shoes, clothes, and shoes?" I asked.

"Please, Specks. This is English 1."

"In other words, we're leaving him for dead."

"It's a lesson every man's got to learn for himself." Amen. Hurley showed up and ordered everyone to get up, we had work to do. "What's your problem, Jumbotron?"

With this new defiant attitude, Hurley snapped, "Shut up! Red -- neck – man!"

Sawyer stared at him for a long time. "Touche." I know, I don't think I'd be able to beat "Red Neck Man" either. Charlie trotted over. "What is Jiminy Cricket doing here?"

"We need another man," Hurley explained. "To push this car, dude."

"Well, where is he?" I asked. Sawyer, Jolly, and I exchanged victory high-fives. Charlie pouted. After Making Fun Of Charlie's Manliness Time, we all pushed Gramps over to the edge of a giant hill.

"Are you nuts? You're not going to drive down that," Sawyer said. Wow, thirty beers and he's still got common sense.

"We're going to jumpstart it," Hurley explained. "You guys are going to push it. And then on the way down I'm going to pop the clutch and get it started."

"You see those rocks? All you're going to do is crash into those real fast. If you don't roll over first." There were giant spiky boulders at the bottom of the hill. Hurley looked at them as if this was the first time they represented themselves as a problem. …I hope Hurley just has a vision problem. I mean, he can't be THIS stupid, right?

"Dude, I know how to drive. Now come on, just push me. This'll work; I know it."

Sawyer nodded to Charlie. "What are you out here for -- watch him crash and burn?"

"Came to ride shotgun."

"Oh, I'm totally in this! I'm riding backseat, baby!" I cried, jumping into the side door and going through the 8-tracks. Three Dog Night? Nah. Van Morrison! We all got in and Sawyer and Jin started pushing us down the hill. Gramps started to pick up speed as we rolled over to the boulders. Hurley started to look afraid. Oh no, not now!

"Careful now," Charlie instructed, spotting Hurley's face. "Now would be a good time, Hurley. Like right now!"

"There is no curse. You make your own luck," Hurley muttered. "You make your own luck. There is no curse!"

Charlie started to literally screech just before Hurley popped the clutch and drove us away from our impending doom. And from there, we drove around in circles singing "Domino" at the top of our lungs.

Maybe Hurley was right. Maybe there still is hope. Yeah. That'd be nice.

-Tibby T

A/N: Thank Gandalf I got this thing done. There used to be a time when I had a deadline for these things. Now it's just whenever I get around to it. I think I'll retire from these Diaries once this season ends. That is, unless LOST throws me something I can't resist. Come on, Lindelof! Throw me a bone, let's see you try!


End file.
